Carla Miller 00:00
Welcome to the influence and impact podcast for female leaders.

My name is Carla Miller, and I'm a leadership coach who helps female leaders to tackle self doubt, become brilliant at influencing and make more impact at work. I've created this podcast to help you to become a more inspiring and impactful leader.

We'll be talking about all the different topics that affect you, as a woman leading today. Think of it as personal development meets professional development. And I want to become the leadership BFF, you didn't know you were missing until now. Hi, and welcome to this week's episode of the influence and impact podcast, where I'm bringing back an episode that I feel like everyone needs at the moment. And it's a short episode about creating time and space to be able to think. And I don't think it's just me that is just ridiculously busy at the moment, like my diary is booked, completely blocked up for at least six weeks.

Now part of that is because my son started school and I'm taking half term off to a Hangout with him. So obviously, that's a bit of an indulgence in there. But there's literally very little breathing room apart from that. And I have really noticed that lack of spaciousness, and that feeling of scarcity of time. And when I talk to my clients, it seems that lots of us are feeling that, you know, we've had the summer perhaps things slowed down a little bit, September, everything starts ramping up. And by October, we're just right in the midst of it. And those of you that are parents may well be crawling towards half term or thinking, oh, my goodness, how am I going to deal with kids and the to do list during halftime. And so I thought that this would be a timely episode for you. It also aligns with one of the things that's very much on my mind at the moment, which is this idea that we work with ticularly hard until we all you know, 70s ish, and then we retire. And we do exactly the opposite. And there are quite a few studies that show that's not great for us either. And it's not great for our mental health, our cognitive ability, and our health and fitness levels, self care, etc. To be so extreme. And so I've been playing around with this idea in my head of semi retiring. And it occurred to me when I was gardening on Sunday, and I was a bit stressed out with work. And I was like, Wouldn't it be nice to be retired, and you just have nothing to do today, except garden, or read a book, or go for a walk. And maybe that's what your weekend looks like. And that's amazing. And that is absolutely what my weekend used to look like.

But the whole solo parenting small child thing means that is nothing. Like my weekend looks like there isn't that's quite that same sense of spaciousness, or at least not that sense of what do I feel like doing today. And so I sort of set myself this goal of trying to create a lifestyle where I was semi retiring now. Now, obviously, I love my work absolutely adore my work. And I'm naturally a bit of a workaholic. And it's really about becoming, it's not about doing less of that. I think it's about probably being a lot more focused and prioritising a lot more. And this aligns with the four day week that lots of organisations have been trialling recently, and I think it's about 90% have said they're going to continue it. And I was coaching a client the other day who's moving towards a four day week. And I was feeling a little bit bad about it. But actually I was explaining that we are more productive when we are focused when we are refreshed in terms of energy. And the four day week does seem to be working really, really well for organisations. And so that's what I'm attempting at the moment.

That's my version of semi retirement is a four day week, but that Friday that I used to spend with my son, I now get to spend on myself. Now the reality is in this really, really busy time of October and November that's not happening. But the goal is that by the time spring hits and I want to be outside again, then because I live up in Cumbria and it's about to get cold and wet. And then I will have that spacious day A to spend without the pressure of achieving anything at all. And I imagine this is something quite a few parents go through where they've perhaps worked part time when their children were not yet in school, and then they're deciding what to do at that point. And I'm very much novice to this whole parenting. I'm juggling malarkey. But I just, I guess I wanted to share that journey that I'm on that it's it's life isn't about what you get done there is there has real benefit in stopping to literally smell the flowers. And that is what I do on my Friday.

So at the moment, I get about half a day most Fridays to myself, and I really value that half day. So I just wanted to give you a bit of an update on that, really, because it is just the thinking process that I've been going through, I'm looking at how I grow the business, I have been spending lots of time during these six weeks, commuting to London. And honestly, that's not that much fun. And it's lovely to see people in person, I do not enjoy sitting on the train for three and a half hours. I'm the sort of person that doesn't even like sitting getting my hair done for three hours, I cannot bear to sit still for that period of time. So I'm looking at how do I build my team so that I'm not delivering all of that. But the idea is that we can shape our lives more than we think we can even within the confines of traditional nine to five job, things are trade are changing. And also we do have our time outside of that where we can ask for some time to ourselves because women, as women, we're always putting other people's needs before our own. And actually, that's not sustainable, long term because we need to recharge ourselves. And sometimes we're quite resentful of it even though it's us that's actually made that decision to do that. So if that resonates with you take this as a sign to think what what do I need for myself? And how do I go about redesigning my daily life so that I can have more of that. And this episode is really about how you redesign your working day so that you can have that time where you can have some breathing space where you can think strategically where you can do the things that are important to you, rather than being constantly available to other people.

So I shall leave you with that episode, and I will be back next week, take care. So the working world is stuck in a trance where we no longer question the things that are being asked of us, we just except add them to the list and hopefully eventually do them. I believe it's time to be more intentional about our attention. And I have noticed that overwhelmed stressed out managers focus their attention in different places from the successful and impactful leaders that I see and work with. For your typical manager and leader most of your time and attention seems to get taken up by your team and being constantly available to them. There is very little if any space, any headspace or space in time for yourself for your development to think strategically and to get on with those big strategic projects. And then there is hardly any time, if any dedicated to building your relationships upwards and sideways and influencing. And then quite a lot of your time and attention is focused on things that are outside of your control. And perhaps that sounds familiar. Successful leaders, on the other hand, focus their attention differently. So they actually put more of their attention on themselves.

They make sure that they achieve the things that they need to the strategic thinking that becoming a better leader and developing themselves just creating a bit of space in their week to think so they create a bit more time for that. They put less focus on their team because they are focused instead on empowering their team instead of spoon feeding them. And I do see the spoon feeding happening a lot our teams, we have trained them to come to us for everything they need instead of working it out for themselves instead of thinking for themselves, finding that bit of information for themselves. They constantly come back to you because you always deliver so it's just nice and easy for them and success. leaders do it differently. They, they set clear boundaries. And they really focus on empowering their team and making them a bit more self sufficient. They're still there when they need them, but their team just don't need them as much. And those leaders also focus more in their attention on influencing so on managing upwards and sideways in navigating the organisation, and getting their team, the resources and profile and feeling valued that they need. And they focus very little, if any of their attention on things outside of their control, because they know that that is a waste of their time. So that is the first point I wanted to make to you in this episode is start being intentional about your attention. Why don't you map where you're focusing your attention at the moment what that looks like for you at the moment and what the results of that are. And then look at how you could shift even just 10% towards this model of how successful leaders focus their attention. So more time on themselves, less time on their team, more time on influencing and no time on things outside of their control.

Okay, the second point that I want to share with you is when it comes to your day, start thinking like a leader. So you set your agenda for your day, I am a big fan of having the top three things that you need to do each day, I've heard these cold rocks as well, using that metaphor of when you've got a glass jar, if you put the sand in first, and then try and put your big rocks in, you'll never fit them in. But if you put your three big rocks in first, you can fit a lot of sand in around those rocks. So three just seems like a really nice more doable number, identify the three things that are really going to move the lever for you help you make progress on those important projects and activities. So set your free things for the day. The second thing you can do to set your agenda for the day is not through your agenda out the window as soon as an email comes in. So we have almost a Pavlovian response to emails don't we it comes in and we feel like we have to reply, you have to read it straight away. That's I find that really addictive. And we have to reply as soon as possible. But when we do that, what happens is that your agenda is and your priorities are completely thrown out the window for the priorities of whoever or whatever has decided to land in your inbox at that point. So unless it's someone senior that needs something urgently, try not to just go into autopilot responding straightaway and instead have a period of time that you can dedicate to looking at and responding to emails. And then you can also push back when people are coming to you with impromptu requests. Now I'm recording this when a lot of us are not working in the office because of Coronavirus. So it was a much bigger issue when we were all in the office because people would just arrive at your desk and start talking at you or asking you questions or giving you something to do. And the phrase that can be or statement that can be really helpful to deal with that. And it probably does work as well, virtually, you've just got to do it by email or on the phone is I've got to get my priority tasks done for the day. So I will do those, and I'll come back to you.

So love that sentence is going to repeat it for you. I've got to get my priority tasks done for the day. And I'll come back to you. So it's not being unhelpful. It's not saying no, it's just saying, I really need to get these things done. And I don't want to be thrown off course. Another thing you can do is stop spoon feeding your team, which I talked about earlier and your colleagues. So when they come to you for an answer, if it's information only you have, then give it to them. But also find a way of repeating that as a process. If they keep coming to you for this information, put it all in a document and then people can just have that document, keep it somewhere where all your team can have it. There is absolutely no point in you repeating the same information to different people at different times. But if they've come to you because they've got a challenge, or they want to know what to do next, instead of launching into what they should do next, start by asking,

What do you think? What do you think you should do? or what have you come up with so far? These are really powerful questions that at first, they might look a bit flummoxed and even a bit annoyed that you're not providing what they want you to provide. But in time what will happen is they'll realise you are going to ask them that question. So they will ask themselves, what they're going to say to you and response and then realise they don't need to come to you After all, because they actually already have the answer. Or if they're coming to you, they're just coming to double check and get approval of something that actually they have initiated, it is a great way to empower your team. And then another way that you can set up your day like a leader is to put time in your diary for thinking and doing your work, put it in as a meeting so that it's non negotiable, and someone else can't work another meeting on top of it. Okay, so those are some really practical things that you can do to create some time. But often these habits and ways of working, and the working so hard and not creating any space, are driven by the way that we think about things. And so as you know, optimising your mindset for success is my passion. So let's look at how you can do that. One of the things we look at within the influence and impact framework is something called the three circles of emotional regulation. And this was created by Professor Paul Gilbert, who's a professor that specialises in compassion and compassionate thinking really, really interesting is that he's got a book called the compassionate mind, it's on my bookcase of fascinating stuff. Anyway, he says that there are three what he calls emotional activation systems that happen in our brain, and our body, and then our hormones. And we are always in one of these three systems. So there is the threat system, the threat system, it is there to manage threats to protect you, it's all about safety and survival. And when we are in that zone, let's call it a zone.

When we're in that zone, our body creates the hormone cortisol, so the stress hormone, and the kind of feelings that come up in that zone are anxiety, anger, disgust, sadness, and shame. So some of the time we are in the threat zone, some of the time we are in the drive zone. So the drive zone is all about achieving goals about consuming things, accomplishing tasks, and the hormone that you get in that zone is dopamine. So literally, when you have a to do list and you tick things off your to do list, you get a hit of dopamine. In the same way, as you get a hit of dopamine, when a goal is scored by your sporting team that you support.

The feelings that you get from this drive system are motivated, driven, excited, and vital. So there are loads of really positive things about the drive system. But you also do need to be able to move out of that zone sometimes. And like I say, it is so addictive, ticking things off your To Do lists that you can find yourself constantly doing tasks at work and at home, just to get those small little hits of dopamine. And if that's the case, then you need to spend more time in the third and final zone, which is the soothing zone or the soothing system. This is about slowing down, soothing, resting, feeling safe, kindness, feeling cared for. And the hormone that this creates is oxytocin. So the kind of hope that that hormone comes up when you are given or give someone a hug, for example. And in that soothing zone, you feel content, you feel safe, and you feel connected.

As I said, we are always in one of those three zones, and perhaps even just listening to those you know where you spend most of your time. When we looked at this on one of the group coaching calls within influence and impact the female leaders, a lot of them shared that they were bouncing between threat and drive. So they were either in drive, let's get stuff done. Boom, boom, boom, action orientated. Or they were going into threat because the thing would drive is if you then fail to get things done, you then go into threat where you go into panic and negativity and beating yourself up for it. Basically, none of them were spending very much time at all in the soothing zone. And what we're looking for is balance. We're not looking to spend all your time in the soothing zone, but you could have some more balance there. So ways that you could bring that soothing system to work. Yes, you can do it outside work with a nice long bath or spending time with friends and family. But in work things like kind Tennis, and gratitude, or even just little things of self care, taking a minute to breathe, or to listen to a song that makes you feel good. Or to look at a photo of your child or your niece or nephew, that makes you smile, basically, what I would like you to do is to think about what percentage of time you are spending in each system. And I find that I am quite addicted to that drive system. And now that I've done a lot of work on myself, I'm not in the threat system very much at all. But I am in the drive system, probably 95% of the time. And that's not healthy, either. So I am trying to make a conscious choice to spend more time in that soothing zone, that soothing system.

Okay, so if you want to do a little bit of work on this, if you've identified you're spending too much time in one of those systems, if you're finding yourself in the threat system a lot, then that's time to, I would say it's time to do a bit of work, some personal development work on your inner critic, and the beliefs and stories that are driving your inner dialogue. If you find yourself in the drive system a lot, you could try hacking the system and add some soothing things to do on to your to do list. So, you get to tick them off, but you also get to do some soothing things as well. And also just notice when you're getting out of control and scheduled time for soothing. And I doubt that many of you listening to this podcast are spending too much time in the soothing zone. But if you are there, maybe try making a bit of a to do list or getting motivated about your goals. So to recap, we've covered a lot in this episode.

So to recap, we've looked at how to break that trance of your working week by being a lot more intentional about your attention.

And we've looked at where successful leaders put their attention. We've also looked about how to think about your day and start your day like a leader.

And then finally, we've looked at how you can start to rebalance from the inside out by noticing how much time you're spending in the threat and drive zones and rebalancing that a bit.

So yeah, I hope that you have found this episode really useful. And I'd love to know what you've got from it. If you've listened to the podcast and you want to know more about how we can work together, here are a few places you can look.

First of all, I've got a couple more freebies, I've got a free PDF on increasing your leadership impact at work, and I've also got a free masterclass on becoming a more influential leader without letting self doubt hold you back.

So head on over to the website to book yourself a place on the masterclass or to download that PDF.

There are my open programmes influence and impact for women at management and leadership level and be bolder a four week live assertiveness and confidence course for women at any level. You can preorder my book closing the influence gap, a practical guide for women leaders who want to be heard. You can also work with me one to one particularly if you're a senior leader, and you can hire me to work in house to do talks for awareness weeks, one of workshops, a series of workshops or to run my influence and impact programme or be bolder programme in house as a women's leadership or women's empowerment offering. If you want to talk about any of those on my website, you can drop me an email or you can also book a quick 15 minute chat so we can talk about what you need and how I might be able to help you or your organisation. So I look forward to chatting to you. Take care