In last week's episode, we talked about how you can start to take control of your worrying. And this week's episode, I've got some really practical strategies that you can use. And if you're an over thinker, then stay tuned because I'm going to help you turn your overthinking into a positive superpower. Welcome to the influence and impact podcast for female leaders.

My name is Carla Miller, and I'm a leadership coach who helps female leaders to tackle self doubt, become brilliant influencing and make more impact at work. I've created this podcast to help you to become a more inspiring and impactful leader. And I want to become the leadership BFF that you didn't know you were missing until now.

First, though, I want to help you recognise that you're not alone in your worrying, in fact, it's something that many many people experience, I used to run a free masterclass called How to Worry Less About Work. And 1000s of women signed up for that indicating there's a little bit of an issue there. And when they did, I asked them two questions. I said, when it comes to work, what are the things that you worry about? And then what is the impact that worrying has on you? And I'm gonna share their responses with you because I think there's something really powerful and this is the ethos behind much of the group coaching I do.

There's something really powerful about realising you're not the only person that's having that experience. You're not the only person that's having those thoughts. So here's what those managers and leaders said they were worrying about. They were worrying about messing up that something bad would happen because they'd missed something.

They were worrying that they were focusing on the wrong things, they were worrying that they wouldn't hit their KPIs, or they wouldn't be able to deliver on what was promised or what was being asked of them. They were worried they wouldn't get everything done, and that they'd be letting people down.

They were worried that they'd said the wrong thing and upset a member of their team without even realising it. And they were worried about being judged by their colleagues.

They struggled with negative feedback and ran it in their heads over and over again. And side note on that one, we have a podcast episode specifically for that, if that's you, and we'll link to it in the show notes.

They were worried about how they came across, and what people thought of them. And a lot of them were worried about their team and not being able to protect them or represent them effectively.

And they were worried that they couldn't say no when their team was being overloaded. And some of them were worried about balancing work with nursery and school pickups and sick kids or other caring responsibilities. And many of them were worried about not being good enough about their capability, about their ability to make an impact. And they were experiencing a lot of self-doubt, and impostor feelings. Perhaps one or some or even all of those resonate with you. And they told me about the impact that worrying was having on them.

They talked about how it was impacting their sleep, they couldn't fall asleep because their heads were worrying and they were replaying the day. Or they'd wake up in the middle of the night and try and solve work problems or not be able to get back to sleep.

They talked about having a really busy head and being stressed and losing perspective on things. Some women said it made them procrastinate and delay making decisions because they were overthinking many of them were overworking and working late as well, in an attempt to try and get through that to do less and they didn't have to worry about it so much.

Lots of women also said it impacted their relationships, they couldn't be in the moment. And sometimes they take less stress out on their kids or their partner or their friends. And some of them even said it was making them doubt themselves to the point where they were looking for easier jobs. So worry has a big impact on many of us. And I think it's particularly prevalent amongst high achieving women, because we often appear very calm and confident on the outside, which means people can then pass more work to us without feeling bad about it. And we can be very high functioning externally, but our internal talk can be dominated with worry and self-doubt, which is why it is important to have some practical strategies that you can use for this. Now as a recap, last time, we said to or I share two key strategies.

The first was just being really conscious about your mental and emotional energy, thinking of it like a battery and not expending so much of it on worrying so really understanding what the cost of worrying was. And the second strategy I shared last time He was how to let it go. When you're in the moment of worrying, and some steps you could take to really focus on the present moment, rather than getting stuck in the past, or projecting forward to the future. And those false expectations appearing real that acronym for fear. I'm going to share some other strategies with you today that are going to help you if you find yourself worrying a lot. So the first one I want to share with you is learning to shift your attention when you find yourself worrying. Now, let me start by saying actually, not all worry is bad. So there are two types of worry. There are productive worries, and there are unproductive worries. So how do you know if your worry is productive or unproductive? Well, it's productive if it's realistic, plausible. And if you can do something about it right now, or very soon. So if you are about to go to bed, and you've got a big presentation tomorrow, and you suddenly have a worry of what if this happens? What if I forget what I'm going to say? Then that could be a productive worry, because you could then go right? Okay, that is possible, it may even be realistic, because I sometimes panic under pressure, I can do something about it. So what I'm going to do is first thing in the morning, I am going to just write down my key bullet points in a place where I can see them. So if I do get stuck, I can just refer to those equally, a productive might worry might remind you that actually you've forgotten something that's essential. So they can be really helpful. So if it's a productive worry, so if it's realistic, and you can do something about it straight away, then I'd encourage you to move into action quickly. Now, some of you may be thinking, but what if it's the wrong direction. And often we're scared of taking the wrong action, particularly if we experience perfectionism, we can get stuck in quite a lot of fear about whether we're taking that right action or not. But there were very few situations where there is only one, right action. In most situations, there are a number of actions which can be a productive way forward. And most of the time, you're better off taking some action that will move you forward and give you more information. And then you can course correct from there if you need to. I believe that moving forward is making progress. If you stay stuck, it's really hard to make progress because you've taken no action. So you've got no new information. And so you're just going round around in circles, having the same thoughts. Whilst if you take action, even if it doesn't get you the outcome that you want, you've got new information to work with, you've got that sense of progress or momentum, and then you can take more action from there.

So to recap, if it's a productive worry, it's realistic, there's something you can do about it. And the thing to do with productive worries is to take action.

Now, what if it's an unproductive worry, and let's be honest, most worries are actually unproductive, even if we pretend to ourselves that they're not? Well, if it's an unproductive worry, I want you to ask yourself this power question, which is, Where can I most productively focus my attention right now? Where can I most productively focus my attention right now? And then immediately, focus your attention there. Because being a better leader, and to be honest, being a wiser, happier person means asking yourself better quality questions. Worries usually revolve around what if x happens? And that's not a great question. Unless you're brainstorming or scenario planning. You're when you ask yourself a question, it creates an open loop in your brain and then your brain needs to close that loop. So we really do want to be asking questions that are bringing up positive problem solving thoughts, not more worries, and doubts. So where can I most productively focus my attention on my thoughts right now? Is a great question. Now, if you can't come up with something that you want to focus your attention on, I suggest picking gratitude. So you could either list the things that you're grateful for right now because that will shift your mood and your state which will then positively impact your thoughts. It will start to calm down your nervous system basically all or just think of something that makes you happy. Like when I sometimes get stuck in worry, I think about and usually I'm in bed, I think about my little boy in the room next door and his cheeky little face when he's being silly. Or I might think about that holiday I had in Thailand many, many, many years ago I want it was like just walking along the beach, and seeing my feet in the sand, feeling my feet in the sand and seeing that clear water just lap at my feet. When I think back to that memory that makes me feel calm, and it switches me out of that state. So the first strategy I'm sharing with you is shift your attention. And the best way to do that is to ask yourself, Okay, I've noticed I'm worrying. So where can I most productively focus my thoughts or my attention right now. Now at the start, I promised you that if you are an overthinker, I could help you turn that into a positive thing rather than a negative thing.

I also want to signpost you to a brilliant episode I did with Tee McLaren Brown, I call her Tee because she's French. She works on my team. But it's Tahirih McLaren Brown. And she did a great episode for me on this podcast on overthinking and how to stop overthinking. So definitely check that one out as well. So what we want to do is to use all of that overthinking and brain activity for good, not for bad. So instead of worrying, we want to get your brain analysing. Now you might think that your brain is analysing when it's worrying, but it's not, it's actually going round and round on a hamster wheel. And so there are some practical ways that you can get off that hamster wheel and instead turn it into proper analysis. So two tools that you can use the first one, if you're someone that worries about the past, in that you replay things in your head over and over again, wondering if he could have handled them better than the tool I'd like you to use is an audit or a review, where you reflect on the lessons that you've learned from that situation.

So after I run a workshop, particularly I've done it in person on the journey, how my inner critic can get pretty vocal. Sometimes, it can absolutely focus on the things that didn't go perfectly, because there's always things that didn't do go perfectly, I'd like to think I deliver a brilliant workshop experience. But that doesn't mean it's a perfect one. And so what I do now is I grab a pen and paper or grab my phone and open up the note Notes section. And I reflect on the lessons I've learned, I do a little bit of an audit or review. And it stops me from beating myself up for all the things I didn't do, right. And it gives me a more balanced view of how it actually went, rather than letting my inner critic completely lead that conversation. So the format that I use first question, what went well, because my inner critic doesn't like to focus on that. And actually, that's a key part of what happened. So what went well, the second question, what didn't go so well. And even just writing it down could give you a bit of perspective on that it might feel like the biggest thing, and then you write it down and go up. So I didn't answer that one question perfectly, it was probably less than 1% of the workshop. Maybe it's not that big a deal. And then finally, because I think it's really great to take the lessons from it. And this helps it embed a growth mindset is what will I do differently next time. And that helps to being a little bit of closure to it. So I asked myself, what went well, what didn't go so well. And what will I do differently next time. That's a really simple format, you can adjust the questions to make them work for you and that situation. But the important thing is to give this more balanced view of what actually happened. And then to take that and turn it into something constructive so that you feel like you're making progress with it. So then you can create action points from the things that you will do differently next time. So for me, it helps me to develop a growth mindset in that it helps me to see everything as a learning opportunity. Rather than seeing everything as black and white success or failure instead and see that there's always room to learn and it's a good thing to be able to learn. So that reflection can be really helpful. And it's a useful tool if you worry about things that have already happened.

Now quite a lot of us our worries are focused on the future and what might happen. And so the tool that I'd like to encourage you to use instead of being on that hamster wheel in your brain is scenario planning. So you can map out the different possible options or outcomes, and what you would do in those situations. Now, your brain thinks that's what you're doing when you're worrying. But actually, when you're just doing it in your head, you're going round around in circles on that hamster wheel, and there's no sense of completion. So putting it down on paper, allows you to have that sense of completion. And to look at it more logically, you could use a mind map, you could create a flow chart, or a table or a decision tree, and the thing you like, and the thing that's helpful for you to be able to map out your scenarios. Because also, when you write down those scenarios, you might then recognise that they're not actually very likely at all, well recognise, even if they do happen, there's something you could do about it. Now, an iteration of this is called fear mapping. And it's a technique from Timothy Ferriss who wrote The 4-Hour Workweek, and various other really useful books. And fair mapping is a bit like a risk assessment. So you write down all the things that could possibly go wrong. And now you're already thinking them, but get creative, write down all the things that could possibly go wrong. And when you write them down with some of them, you will realise they're actually pretty implausible, like I said, and that will help you to take them less seriously as well. And then once you've written them down, you can mark them out of 10, in terms of the likelihood that they're going to happen. Again, this can help you to get some perspective, because when we're worrying, or we're feeling overwhelmed, it can be really hard to have perspective. And perspective allows us to just step back and accurately assess what's going on with a bit more of a handle on our emotions. And then once you've written down how likely they are to happen, then you can know what you would do to cope with that situation and how you might prevent it. Again, you might think you're doing this in your head, but you're not doing it in the most productive way. So doing it in a productive way will help you to have that sense of completion. And I did this with a client who worries a lot. And she was having a hard time at work, she'd got some feedback that wasn't overly positive. And we've just started working together. And she was in a spiral of worry. And so we did some fear mapping together. The fear that had been going round around in her head is that she was going to end up homeless, that she was going to be put onto performance management that she was going to lose her job, that she wouldn't be able to find another job that she'd go through her savings, she'd lose her flat and she'd be homeless. And that was what was stuck in her head. And when we did the fear mapping, we identified that actually, even if all those things happened, she was fortunate enough that she could go and stay with her parents if she needed to, and they weren't going to kick her out on the streets.

I appreciate not everyone has that situation. But for her, she did have that safety net. And just realising that actually, that worst case scenario really wasn't going to happen. And that she could cope with whatever did happen. I think when we can't clearly picture something, it's hard to think that we can cope with it. But actually, when we think what if this did happen, how would I cope, you'd recognise that you're stronger than you think you are. So those are your tools. If you are an over thinker, if you're thinking about the past, or a review, or audit, if you're thinking about the future, do scenario planning or fear mapping. Now, another practical strategy for you is to ditch your to do list. Now, if you're a bit like me, and you love your list, so you might be horrified at the idea of ditching your to do list but bear with me. I'm not suggesting that you get rid of all your lists. I love lists. But having an epically long ongoing to do list just keeps you focused on all the things that still need to be done, especially when you're looking at it numerous times in the day. And our to do lists are literally never ending. You can always put more things on them because there will always be more things that you can do. I might have a week where I'm feeling really on top of things and I might yay, I've made real progress. But then my brain goes to that next level of important things that need to be done. And it fills up again, I've done it now. I've done I've got my pre Christmas to do list.

I'm using the strategy that I'm going to share with you in a minute but before before I had that I was working through the urgent stuff and trying to get it done before Christmas but all the time I was adding to all the stuff that will be great to do in the new year to make the business better. And I think our brains are always doing that. So I'm not suggesting that you burn your to do list, it is useful to have a list summer of the things that need doing, I'm suggesting that you keep it somewhere less prominent so that you're not glancing at it out of the corner of your eye throughout the day, and adding to your stress levels every time you see it. And instead, what I suggest you do is replace it with a top three things list. So the three things that you need to do today, or the three things you need to do this week. Now there's real discipline in that because you've got to pick the priorities. And you've got to be the things that really move the lever that are important. And this idea of big rocks, and I'm sure you've seen it before you have a glass jar. And if you fill it up with all the sand and the little pebbles first, the less important things, it's really hard to then shove your big rocks in there. But actually, if you put your big rocks in there first and the sand or the little pebble spit around it, and you can get more things done. So focusing on those big rocks. And the idea is not that that's all you do in a day, but that you get to tick those off, because you've done them and feel like you've had a really productive day. So sometimes you might need to chunk things down. Yes, he might have write a strategy on your to do list. But there's not just one bit to writing a strategy.

There are various stages of that. And so I would chunk it, chunk it down, Break it into bits, so that then you can feel like you're making progress on that. And also you can accurately assess how long it's going to take and how long you need to set aside for it. And this just keeps you really, really focused. It also gives you that sense of completion, which I think is really important when it comes to worry. And we get a hit of dopamine when we tick something off of our to do list. Now even if you love crossing things off and ticking them like I do, if you can still see all the other ones on that long to do lists, it's not very helpful, it can cause overwhelm. And that's why you want to put that list in a drawer somewhere and focus on your top three things. Now, the other list I'd encourage you to have is a list of what you've actually achieved each day, what you have actually done, because you'll be surprised by how much is on it. And that will give you a sense of satisfaction.

So we all have those days where we feel like we haven't achieved anything. And then when you write it down, you realise actually, you've been working incredibly hard. And you can give yourself a pat on the back for that. Mel Robbins, who's great to follow on Instagram, if you're not following her, I'd say give yourself a high five, give yourself a high five in the mirror, particularly if you've not got anyone else doing it for you. Some people call that achievements list, a tada list or a done list and I find it a really, really helpful way of doing things. Now the other thing that you can do other useful idea is one from Stephen Covey, which is the idea of your circle of influence. So according to Stephen Covey, we can put the things that are on our mind our worries into one of three circles. So the inner circle, and these are three concentric circles. So one inside another inside another. So the inner circle is your circle of control. So these are the things that are actually in your control, this is probably more in the productive worries category. So the thing that you can do something about and that is where you need to focus most of your attention. And then the next circle is the circle of influence. So these are the things where you might be able to influence them, there might be some action you can take, which has a chance of impacting the outcome. So maybe those things are the responsibility of your line manager, for example, but there's something you can do to make a business case towards them. And then the outer circle is the circle of concern. So these are the things that you worry about, that they're on your mind, but actually, you've got no control over and no influence. And it's just not the best way to focus your attention. So these are and we talked a bit about this last time, these might be things happening in the world, which are concerning it might be things happening in the organisation or things that might be happening in the future that you've got no control over. And so when you find yourself focusing on those, you can use that question where can I most productively focus my attention? And actually, this model gives you the answer to that as well which is I can most productively focus my attention on the things in my circle of control or the things in my circle of influence.

So, in today's episode, and in the last episode, I've shared lots of really practical strategies to help you on the worry front. But I just want to explain a little bit more about where warriors come from. And I want to use the metaphor of building a house. So you can think of your mental health, a little bit like a house, if the house isn't built on the solid foundations of healthy beliefs about ourselves and about life and work and a healthy mindset, then it's vulnerable to the elements. And too often we're busy decorating our house, when we should be working on the foundations. So what I shared with you today, these strategies, they're all super helpful, but to create lasting change, and to stop worry from negatively impacting you, you would really, really benefit from working on the beliefs that you have about yourself, and about life. Because if you feel like you're not good enough, that you have to be perfect, that you can't make mistakes, that people are gonna judge you, and that you have to control life to feel safe, then worry is a natural byproduct of those thoughts. And that's why mindset and beliefs are such a fundamental part of the work that I do when I'm working with people one to one, or within Influence and Impact or Women's Leadership Programme and within Be Bolder.

So if you're listening to this and thinking, actually, I'd really like to work on some of those underlying beliefs, then the simplest and easiest way to work with me is coming up soon, it's our Be Bolder course. So we've run it three times in 2022, we are bringing it back for 2023. So we are running it throughout March 2023. And this is suitable for women at all levels, you don't have to be a manager or a senior leader, because we're not talking about managing and leading specifically, although obviously some of that can lead to situations linked to worrying. Instead, we're talking about tackling impostor feelings, and self-doubt, recognising that's completely normal, and that they don't need to disappear forever. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken, you don't need fixing. We talk about gender bias as well, because gender bias is causing women to doubt ourselves in the workplace. And just understanding that can be really empowering in itself and talking about your feelings and thoughts and challenges with other women, as well can be incredibly powerful. We also in be bolder talk about mastering your mindset. So we work specifically on those beliefs, I'm talking about belief like I have to be perfect, I can't make mistakes, I'm not good enough. I have to be 100% sure to speak up. People are a judging me, I don't deserve to be in my role.

We help you to reframe whatever beliefs are holding you back. And also to identify your strengths and your superpowers and get intentional about how you want others to see you. We also talk about the courage and the tools to have challenging conversations, whether that's receiving feedback goods, and negative, or delivering feedback or setting boundaries, saying no, all of the things we find really tricky, particularly because many of us want to be liked and want to be likeable. And there's a key distinction between the two of those that we talk about within Be Bolder. And then finally, we talk about speaking up. Because for many people, it's challenging to speak up. And for others, they're speaking up, but they're still not being heard. And we talk about and give you really practical strategies that you can use from that. So it's a four module course, it is a bargain price. So it's £497 plus VAT, if you work for a charity, or you're funding yourself, it's £397 plus VAT. And it is life changing in terms of believing in yourself feeling less alone, and being able to deal with all that day to day crap, basically. And that is hard to deal with. And then we go round around in our head worrying about so if you think you need to do some work on your beliefs.

If you want to undo some of that damage that gender bias has done to your confidence. Please do join us in Influence and Impact. Now this is something that most people are asking their employers for. It's a really nice price point for an employer. And if you're getting to the end of the financial year and you've still got some training budget left then get it in there now before Christmas.

You go to my website, Carla Miller training.com, then that you will be able to sign up for and get more information on Be Bolder there. And if you're thinking, Yeah, that's great, but actually, I want that plus all the leadership stuff, learn Influence and Impact is the course for you. And you can find out more information on my website there as well. So I hope you've come away with some practical strategies that you can use do let me know what you're putting into practice.

I post on LinkedIn about the episodes, so do connect with me there. Let me know how it's going and this is the last episode before Christmas. So wishing you and your families their most wonderful Christmas, I hope you enjoy some really special time either together if you're spending time with family, or if you're jetting off somewhere on holiday, then enjoy that. And it's been amazing spending time with you in 2022.

I'm really looking forward to spending some time with you in 2023 as well, we will have a short episode right at the beginning of the year, just to help you to reflect on 2022 and start 2023 on the best fitting possible. So keep an ear out for that. Happy Christmas. Take care if you've listened to the podcast and you want to know more about how we can work together, here are a few places you can look. First of all, I've got a couple more freebies. I've got a free PDF on increasing your leadership impact at work, and I've also got a free masterclass on becoming a more influential leader without letting self doubt hold you back.

So head on over to the website to book yourself a place on the masterclass or to download that PDF. There are my open programmes Influence and Impact for women at management and leadership level and Be Bolder a four week live assertiveness and confidence course for women at any level. You can preorder my book Closing the Influence Gap, a practical guide for women leaders who want to be heard.

You can also work with me one to one particularly if you're a senior leader, and you can hire me to work in house to do talks for awareness weeks, one of workshops, a series of workshops or to run my influence and impact programme or be bolder programme in house as a women's leadership or women's empowerment offering. If you want to talk about any of those on my website, you can drop me an email or you can also book a quick 15 minute chat so we can talk about what you need and how I might be able to help you or your organisation so I look forward to chatting to you. Take care