Carla Miller 00:00
Brené Brown says daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. I love that definition of boundaries. It's something that feels very punchy, to me a bit of a challenge. And if that's the same for you, you're going to love this episode, where I'm going to share how you can set and hold your boundaries in 2023.

Welcome to the Influence and Impact podcast for female leaders.

My name is Carla Miller, and I'm a leadership coach who helps female leaders to tackle self doubt, become brilliant influencing and make more impact at work. I've created this podcast to help you to become a more inspiring and impactful leader. And I want to become the leadership BFF, you didn't know you were missing until now, before we get into the actual content of this episode, I had a couple of things to share with you.

One is a celebration and thank you and the other is letting you know about a change that's coming to the podcast. So let's start with the celebration.

We have just hit 100,000 downloads of this podcast, which absolutely blows my mind that so many people have been listening, that you've been sharing it with friends and colleagues that you've been reviewing it and spreading the word, we don't pay for any advertising for the podcast. So it's all thanks to our loyal listeners and our amazing guests, and that the word gets spread. So please do if you find this episode helpful, please do pass it on to someone else. And let's see if we can reach as many people as possible. But I just wanted to say a huge, thank you. That's a big achievement, and it's a collective achievement.

Now, the other change that is happening to the podcast is that we are going to move this year from weekly episodes to fortnightly episodes. It has been a challenge over the last couple of years to create weekly episodes, I really want to feel like I'm bringing you the best possible episodes, ideas, guests insights with every episode, and I need a little bit more spaciousness in my life as well. I have a lovely team member Tee who has been helping me with managing the content and the newsletter and the show notes and socials and she is leaving us to have a fantastic new permanent job. So I'm rethinking how I do things. I hope you will still stick with us for these fortnightly episodes and hopefully what I will be doing is basically not adding to overload in your life. But it can be something that you can look forward to every two weeks.

So after this episode, we will be arriving in your podcasting app, whatever you use to listen to once a fortnight and we will also continue to do what we have done over the last year which is during school holidays, we will either take a little bit of a break or we will bring you some of our most popular and useful older episodes that you might not have discovered yet. But don't worry, that still leaves many 10s of brilliant new episodes that will be coming your way in 2023. Now if the topic of boundaries is a very relevant one for you, if perhaps you are trying to do it all, or you struggle to ask for what you want, or you consider yourself to be a people pleaser, then stay tuned to the end of this episode, because I'm going to be sharing with you some links to other relevant podcast episodes related to this topic. And also how this fits into the wider picture around having the confidence to actually determine and set your own boundaries as well and how we can help you with that.

Okay, so let's jump into the episode. Now, the first thing I want to say is that this episode has been inspired by a fantastic new book written by a friend of mine, a former guest on the podcast Beth Stalwart. So the book is called Work Joy and it's a toolkit for a better working life.

Now this episode will come out on the evening of the eighth of January and on Monday, the ninth of January. You can buy Work Joy on Kindle for just 99p that day. So if you are listening to this on Sunday or Monday, it's an absolute no brainer, there is so much in this book to help you to create a working life that works better for you and Chapter Four is on boundaries.

So I have chosen chapter four as an inspiration for today's episode. But I would really encourage you to either go and get the Kindle for 99p on Monday, the ninth or personally, I love a book in my hand, it's in my hand now, I like to scribble on it and have post it notes. So I think that will be available the following day. So do head over to Amazon and look for Work Joy will also include the link in the show notes for you. Okay, so having said that this is basically a combination of some of my thoughts on boundaries and lots of Beth's thoughts on boundaries. Now, first of all, what is a boundary?

Essentially, it's drawing a line between what is okay, and what isn't, okay, in terms of behaviour, or what you do want and what you don't want in terms of situations. So we often think of boundaries, particularly in the workplace, we think of it around time. So it might be drawing a clear boundary at the end of the working day and saying, I don't check my emails until the next day, because that's family time, or that's personal time. Or it might be about drawing some boundaries within your working day and saying, This is my thinking time, or this is my time without any meetings. But boundaries show up all over our lives. And we might find them easy to implement in some areas and harder to implement in others. So how do you know if you should, or might want to set some boundaries? For me, it's often around feeling resentful about something. So often, someone's asked me to do something. And I've said yes when I really wanted to say no, and then I waste a lot of emotional energy wishing I had said no, and being resentful for it and blaming it in my head on the other person. Well, actually, they did not force me to say yes, they just asked me a question. It was me that said, yes, when I wanted to say, no.

Another sign might be that you are not getting your needs met, you are maybe in some kind of relationship, whether work or personal, that doesn't feel like it serves you as well as it serves the other person. And you might want to put some boundaries in place there. Or if you're someone who considers yourself to be a people pleaser, and always puts others needs before yourselves, then it's highly likely or before your own, then it's highly likely that you could probably do with some boundaries, to allow you to create the space to actually work out what your needs are. And it could be, you have some boundaries, but they are not working for you as effectively as they did. Maybe you put them in place a while ago. And they're outdated now. So in her book, Beth shares, four signs that your boundaries need updating. And I've paraphrased some of them. But the first one is you're getting a lot of pushback on your boundaries. So people are being maybe a bit spiky about your boundaries, making maybe making some comments about your boundaries. And that says this means they're too strict, and it's having a negative impact on the people around you. So it might mean that sometimes we go overboard with our boundaries, and we run the risk of being someone who's difficult to live or work with, or, um, who's known as inflexible, for example. And that might not be you, but perhaps you can think of someone who's a bit like that. Now, the second sign is that it feels like you have no boundaries. This can often feel the case for me, and I know for a lot of my clients, and Beth would say that boundaries can be too flexible and don't really act as boundaries at all.

So if you set boundaries and move them at the whim of others who are in danger of pleasing everyone else, and making your own life miserable. She says a boundary that is rarely upheld isn't a boundary at all, and you're giving everyone permission to encroach on your time or your needs. So that might ring true for you. It may also feel like your boundaries aren't a good fit for you. So best says they could actually be someone else's boundaries rather than your own. So sometimes when you're on a mission to change, develop or grow, you might seek inspiration from others, and copy and paste what works for them onto your life and then discover that that doesn't actually work for you. So maybe you listen to a really inspiring interview on a podcast with someone and you think, yeah, I'm going to implement that boundary. But actually, it just doesn't work for your life, which is really different from their life. And often, for example, the boundaries between a quite different for people who are parents, or have other caring responsibilities and people that don't. And then finally, you might have evolved beyond your boundaries, you've evolved and changed, but you haven't updated your boundaries.

So better say they're out of date, as time moves on, your priorities and requirements will change. And so just because they worked well for you once doesn't mean that you need to stick to them forever, as you evolve, your boundaries have to evolve as well. So hopefully, that's given you a little bit of food for thought as to whether you need to revisit some of those boundaries that you do already have. And in best book, she talks about how there are three types of boundaries. And I really liked the distinctions that she makes between them.

So the first type of boundary are the non negotiable boundaries. So you need a few of these non negotiable boundaries, you don't want too many, because you'll become too rigid, and you don't want too few because you won't be able to protect what's important to you. So you need some non negotiable boundaries, these are the things that basically you don't budge on, then you might have what Beth calls bouncy boundaries. So sometimes it's not as simple as well, that fits within my boundaries, or it doesn't sometimes there are lots of different factors involved. And so in certain situations, you can't set or in certain areas of your life or work, you perhaps can't set really clear boundaries. So bouncy boundaries are basically where you're taking some of the principles behind your boundaries, but having a bit of flexibility about them. So it might be that instead, in a situation, instead of going, I need a clear boundary for this, you think well, what are the values and principles behind the boundaries I like to set and how could I apply them to this situation, or it could be this boundary is bouncy for a particular person, or in a particular situation, or it's negotiable. If I get something in return, I might be able to negotiate on that. And maybe also, there are some people where we find it harder to set boundaries, or we don't want to set boundaries. I have a five year old and there are some boundaries, I might really like to set. But actually I need much bouncier boundaries when it comes to him because he is a bouncy person.

And then finally, Beth talks about your flex free boundaries. So this is where you have some situations and some people where the boundaries are much more flexible, where you say yes, more often. And so to think about whether you want some of these kinds of boundaries, you might think well, what opportunities would make you want to say yes to something, or who are the people that you would, as best says, move mountains for or cancel other plans for to make sure that you're there for them when they need you. So those are the three different types of boundaries. So we don't have to think of it as one distinctive block that we never move on. There's some flex within that there's some opportunities within that. And I particularly like the idea of bouncy boundaries. And for me, that might look like saying, Well, yeah, eight out of 10 times,

I'm gonna say no to those opportunities, because they take me away from things that are important to me. But actually, there'll be two out of 10, where I'm super excited about them, or it's really going to make a difference, or that someone I really want to work with. And therefore, I'm going to have a bouncy boundary around that. So I like that idea. Because I think sometimes we fear with boundaries, that they will make us inflexible and rigid and strict. And none of those are words that we want to apply to ourselves most of the time. So think about whether there are some bouncy boundaries that you would like to make. And Beth also shares a really useful structure for really thinking about what your boundaries could be. So step one is the why, what's the compelling reason that you want to put a boundary in place because when you connect to that, that will enable you to hold it better. So for me for example, if I'm putting a boundary in place around my working time, I often connect it to either my child and being available for him because is that, you know, that's really, really important to me, that's a core part of my why, or it might be linked to one of my values.

So this year, I want to be more spacious, hence the fortnightly rather than weekly podcast episodes. And so for me, that's a bit of a value or theme for this year. And so I might put some boundaries in place that allow me to do that. And so it's when it connects to something that's important to you that's meaningful to you, it will enable you to have the courage to set it and then also to hold that boundary, we're going to talk about holding your boundaries, because I think that can actually be much more challenging than the setting of boundaries.

So step one, is the why.

Step two is the what? So what is the boundary that you're going to hold? So define what that boundary looks like, and sounds like and be as specific as possible. And this could even include creating language about how you'll communicate this boundary to other people. And thinking about for me, I like to think about, well, where are the times when this boundary is going to be challenged? And what am I going to do in those situations?

So step three, is the how making it happen. So consider how you implement and maintain this boundary, what changes need to happen, to make it a reality, who needs to be involved? How will you check in and make sure that it's working. And then step four, I also really like which is breaking it. So being clear on the only times that you will allow that boundary to be broken. So even with the non negotiable boundaries, there may be the exception that proves the rule. So you some situations you found challenging before, to assess the difference between what's a genuine exception and where actually, you'd be flexing it too far. And you do want to hold that boundary. So just to recap on those steps.

When you're setting a boundary when you're defining a boundary for yourself, first connect to the why is this important? Why do you want to do this, then get really specific about the what, what does this look like? If it's vague, it's going to be impossible to hold it because you can kind of flex the definition whenever that suits that temptation to cross over the boundary or let someone else cross over. So get really specific and clear on the what, and then think about the how, how are you going to implement and maintain this boundary?

And then finally, step four, think about the only exceptions to the rule, the only things that would make you break this boundary. Okay, so we've thought about identifying how you know, you might need boundaries, we've thought about looking at how your boundaries might be out of date, or not be a great fit for you anymore. We've talked about the three different types of boundaries, the non negotiables, the bouncy boundaries and the flex free boundaries. And we thought about how to actually set your boundaries. Now it's time for the hard stuff. Was that really the hard stuff? For me? Anyway, maybe you are an ace boundary setter, in which case, I have a lot of respect for you.

Okay, so how do you actually implement these boundaries and hold these boundaries? And Beth has a brilliant three step way of thinking about this, which is to pause, to ponder and to pick. So let's dive in to those. Okay, so let's start with the pause. So often, we have a natural instinct, to please people a natural instinct to say yes, a natural instinct not to say no. And this is something that we talked about in the episode about are you asking for what you want? And also are you trying to do it all, which is you don't have to give a response straight away. So you can pause.

So the first step to getting better at implementing your boundaries is to simply pause and it could be a quick pause or as you're mentally top totting up the score, as Beth says whilst whilst you're mentally thinking through the pros and cons, the implications of what you're going to decide, or particularly if you're a reflective thinker, you might want to take some more time to properly consider and maybe discuss the issue with someone else before returning with an answer.

So Beth's got some great phrases you can use to politely pause.

The first one, what an offer can I get back to you tomorrow with an answer? So you're not making someone feel bad for asking at all but you're being really clear that you want to talk to them tomorrow.

The second one, I need to weigh up how much time I can commit to this with my other priorities let me, let me look at my diary and get back to you. I think that's a fantastic one, particularly for work.

And then finally, I'm really pleased you thought of me, let me check if I can fully commit as I would want to be all in on this one. And that is one since reading the book that I have definitely been using, when I've been offered a really flattering opportunity, but it just doesn't fit within my priorities. Rather than that instinct to say yes, and please, and then have to either follow through or go back and tell someone actually, I really can't do it, which I hate doing that is a really good phrase to use.

As a reminder, all of these tips, and these phrases are in Beth’s book Work Joy and you can get it for just 99p, if you're listening to this on the ninth of January. Okay, so after you've paused, then it's time for the second P, which is to ponder.

So Beth says when considering your options, you might benefit from looking at either end of the yes/no spectrum and analysing where this opportunity or this task perhaps or ask of you fits within your non-negotiable or your bouncy or your free flex boundaries. I think I've been saying flex free all the time. It's actually free flex, sorry, Beth.

So you could ask yourself, If I say yes, what might I gain or learn or get from this experience? Beth likes to talk about joy. So she said what joy might come from this. She also talks about the opposite, which is work gloom. What gloom could I envisage? And actually, I really like that question. Because I often get carried away with the opportunity and don't think about the gloom until it actually comes to oh, I've got to put this in my diary and do it now.

Another great question, what might I need to say no to in order to allow space to say yes to this? So yes, it might be a brilliant opportunity. But what that question allows you to do is think where does this fit within my priorities and actually recognise, okay, I can't do everything. So if I say yes to this, I do have to say no to something else, or stop doing it. And that makes you be a bit more ruthless in terms of prioritising I think that's a just a great tip for prioritising in general, actually, I try and do that with my workload.

And then if I say yes, what am I prepared to give or sacrifice to make it happen? So you don't want to give a week? Yes. And I have to say, I'm guilty of doing that sometimes where I say yes. And then I wish I hadn't done it. And I perhaps don't give 100%. I mean, I would never do anything that didn't give more than 80%, to be honest, but I maybe don't perform at my best I don't do the amount of prep that I would do if I was 100%. committed. So I'm trying not to give any of those weak yeses. And if you say yes, then you're going to do it properly. So just recognising that that might take some sacrifice to do that. And again, that can help you to think twice. And you can also look at it from the flip side, if I say no, what might I miss out on? What joy might come with saying no? Or what gloom might come with saying no? What might I be able to say yes to if I don't take this on? And what am I not prepared to give or sacrifice for this? So basically, the flip side of the yes questions, but we can hear a question in two different ways. And it can help us to think about things differently. And Beth points out, that there's a difference between missing out on a great opportunity, and having FOMO, where you think everything is a great opportunity. So these questions help you really identify whether that is something that you want to say yes or no to. So once you've paused, and once you've pondered, it's time to pick, you need to make a choice. And so that choice doesn't have to be as binary as yes or no. So it could be yes, with caveats. Or it could be yes, but not now. It could be a direct No, or it could be not yet.

Many of us find it challenging to say no. And I think we will do a whole separate episode on that. But it's okay to say no. And that's why I want to bring us back to that quote from Brené Brown at the start of this episode. She says daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. And I think many of us do really fear, disappointing others and can go through our lives, doing everything we can to avoid that, which means we're going through our lives doing everything we can to put others needs ahead of our own. And if we can't put our needs first, how on earth can we expect asked anyone else to sometimes flex and put our needs first.

So, yeah, I think we will do a whole separate episode, like I said, on saying no, but there are some really simple things that you can do. And so I'm just going to leave you with one of the suggestions that Beth makes, which is going to be a no for me, as I'm focusing on other priorities right now. And you know, you can be as direct or soften it as much as is appropriate. So we've covered a lot in this episode on boundaries, I mean, you could probably have a whole podcast series of punches, to be honest, is something that many of many of us struggle with. Or what I would encourage you to do is to just think, what's one takeaway I can take from this episode? What's one boundary or one area of my life, where it feels like I need a different boundary or need to set a boundary for the first time and go through the process that we have shared? In this episode, either listen back and take notes or grab yourself a copy of Beth's book. Now, I promised that I would also signpost you to some other relevant episodes, if this is something that resonates with you.

So we have Episode 119, which is, are you trying to do it all? That one will really be able to help you identify if you need to set boundaries? And if your expectations of yourself are way too high?

We've also got Episode 117, which is are you asking for what you want? And I think that's a very complementary topic to setting boundaries. Because there's, there's been clear, they're saying, no, they're setting boundaries. But there's also being able to actively and proactively ask for what you want. And many of us find that very hard.

Now, if you're a working parent that needs to set some boundaries, there's a brilliant guest episode I did. It was episode number 95, with Rachel vet, which was about setting boundaries as a working parent, and that was very popular when it came out. And then I've talked about people pleasing quite a few times within this episode, it's really aligned to boundaries.

We have episode number 75, which is, are you a people pleaser? So and I think they included some things about what you could do, if you are a people pleaser in there, because I like to be super helpful. So go and check out any one of those four episodes.

And the final thing I wanted to say is that I don't think setting boundaries happens in isolation, because so much of it is linked to how we feel about ourselves, our self-doubt levels, our confidence levels, how much we worry, because we could worry a lot about setting boundaries, we could worry about being judged for then holding those boundaries, or how people might react or how they have reacted. It also, I think, sometimes takes courage to set boundaries, particularly if you're trying to set them in a working context for people who are more senior than you.

And so if those things resonate with you, I'd really encourage you to check out Be Bolder, so Be Bolder, is my four session confidence and assertiveness course, for women at any level, we ran three cohorts in 2022. And we have a cohort coming up in 2023. It's basically running throughout March, we were already welcoming people on there. And if this resonates with you, I think that would be a really, really practical and cost effective piece of training that could help 2023 be completely different for you. It's for women only. And you can go to my website, and there is a page there are called be bolder, and you can book your spot there.

And it might be you're listening and thinking Well, I think I'm right at that, actually. But I can think of my team members who would benefit we have had a lot of listeners send their team members on. So you can also send that on to anyone that you feel might benefit from not only setting boundaries, but being able to believe in themselves to master their mindset to have those challenging and courageous conversations, and also to speak up in meetings because that's a big issue for many people particularly earlier in their career.

So that's it from me, a big thank you to Beth Stalwart for writing her book Work Joy. I hope this sends some people in her direction because he's truly fantastic. And I would love to hear from you How you get on with a setting those boundaries.

So LinkedIn is my happy place. It's where a Hangout, I will be posting about this episode on LinkedIn. I'll also be putting it in my newsletter. And you can always hit reply and let me know or comment or post on LinkedIn.

Thanks very much, have a fantastic couple of weeks and I will be back in a fortnight if you've listened to the podcast and you want to know more about how we can work together, here are a few places you can look.

First of all, I've got a couple more freebies. I've got a free PDF on increasing your leadership impact at work, and I've also got a free masterclass on becoming a more influential leader without letting self doubt hold you back. So head on over to the website to book yourself a place on the masterclass or to download that PDF. T

here are my open programmes Influence and Impact for women at management and leadership level and Be Bolder a four week live assertiveness and confidence course for women at any level. You can preorder my book Closing the Influence Gap: a practical guide for women leaders who want to be heard. You can also work with me one to one particularly if you're a senior leader, and you can hire me to work in house to do talks for awareness weeks, one of workshops, a series of workshops or to run my Influence and Impact programme or Be Bolder programme in house as a women's leadership or women's empowerment offering.

If you want to talk about any of those on my website, you can drop me an email or you can also book a quick 15 minute chat so we can talk about what you need and how I might be able to help you or your organisation so I look forward to chatting to you.