Carla Miller 00:00
There are some things I really wish I'd known when I was first managing and when I was first leading teams and so that's what today's episode is all about the five mistakes that new managers often make and how they're holding you back in your career.

Now, these mistakes feature heavily in our Confidence to Lead course, we haven't actually run that for a really long time but we do offer it in house to organisations and it's really about how you can step up into the mindset of managing and leading because it's one thing learning how to do a one to one, or how to race strategy or how to understand your budget. And those are all really, really important things to know how to do, but actually feeling like you belong in that role.

Stepping into the authority that comes with that role, those things are often much, much trickier. And no one teaches you that, except me, I do now teach people that because I really, really wish someone had taught me and we focus on that in my book as well.

So I'm going to share some insights on that today and also signpost you to some other podcast episodes where you can dive deeper on each of those topics as well. Welcome to the influence and impact podcast for female leaders.

My name is Carla Miller, and I'm a leadership coach who helps female leaders to tackle self-doubt, become brilliant at influencing and make more impact at work. I've created this podcast to help you to become a more inspiring and impactful leader and I want to become the leadership BFF you didn't know you were missing until now.

Now I'm recording this during my two weeks off for Easter, I have half a day of childcare, my little boys very excited about a playdate with Nana and granddad, which translates to bossing the nana and granddad around for four hours and then when I go and get him, they are completely exhausted but I am really enjoying having a break for Easter, I took LinkedIn off my phone, I took Instagram off my phone, I took my email off my phone and just having that sense of spaciousness actually, and not reaching for my phone all the time.

I turned my email back on again today because I'm working this afternoon and I noticed how often I was doing that addictive thing of reaching for my phone and checking my messages. So I've turned it off again and it's just really nice to really be more present and be in the moment with my little boy and I've noticed myself being more playful and having more time and space for him as well, which has been really nice.

So I thoroughly recommend taking a proper break when you take some time off, still looking forward to the beach next week. And I know it's going to be pouring with rain at the beach next week. But I'm sure he will still be happy. And meanwhile I have we've had a bit of sunny weather up here in Cumbria and I have been enjoying my garden and enjoying having people over for playdates. So that's all my news. Nothing very exciting, very chilled up here in Cumbria this week.

So let's move on to the episode and the five mistakes that I see a lot of managers making generally newer managers but not always, and why we make them and how we can start to do things differently. So mistake number one, and this is a biggie claiming all the responsibility that comes with your job title, but none of the authority. So some clues that you're doing this, may be you don't set clear expectations and boundaries as you don't want to be seen as demanding.

Perhaps the tasks that you delegate boomerang back to you, you end up having to do them, or people just don't carry out the tasks that you allocate to them.

Perhaps team members missed deadlines or ignore the emails that they don't want to answer or perhaps you do that thing of being super, super grateful. Acting like people have done you a huge favour when they're just doing their jobs. So you ask them to do something that's in their role and you're like, thank you so much. I really, really appreciate it.

That is an indicator that you feel uncomfortable with the idea of asking someone to do something and so you're then overcompensating and actually undermining your authority in the process. Absolutely fine to say thank you but we don't need to gush. So why don't we do this?

Well, many of us feel more comfortable with responsibility than we do authority. From a young age, girls are encouraged to embrace responsibility and be responsible. But no one teaches us how to have authority, we might feel like we don't have natural authority, or we probably don't want to be like the managers that we disliked who misused their authority or know that was me. We don't want to be judged or considered demanding. And there is a narrative that powerful women are not very likeable. But if you're not claiming the authority that comes with your job title, then you're not operating like a leader at your level.

So I have a coaching tool to help you do that. You might have heard this one before, but it is a favourite. So I'm happy to share it again and remind you it exists. And it's called the cloak of authority. So I was 29, when I took on my first director role, and as part of the interview process, I met members of my team. And after I'd been hired, I discovered that those team members had thought I was too young for the role and had not supported my appointment, I clearly didn't have a lot of natural authority. Now the team was struggling after a difficult period, and some of them were openly challenging my authority to lead and to make changes. And I was having these challenging conversations, the call of the person that did not want to have I hate conflict, and I want to be liked as much as anyone else. And I could totally do better on that, in my personal life in particular, that Carla, the director needed to have those conversations. I was also having to deliver bad news about income to a board of trustees to prove to people that I deserve this director role and to hold my own in conversations with Chief Execs and high profile celebrities. Basically, I needed to have more authority to be able to do my job well. And it took me a while to realise that my authority didn't need to come from me as a person, because my job title came with authority, and so does yours.

Now at the time, Harry Potter films were hitting the cinemas. And in the first film, Harry's given an invisibility cloak for Christmas, when he was it, he becomes invisible. So, I decided to create some magical clothing of my own, I called it my cloak of authority. Whenever I had to go into a challenging meeting, I'd imagine myself putting on my cloak of authority and claiming the authority that came with my job title. Now, studies tell us that tools like this, alongside affirmations, and power posing, add to our sense of agency in the situation and allow us to feel more in control. Putting on my cloak of authority, it made me feel empowered, and helped me to stick to what I planned to say, instead of watering it down out of fear of judgement, my body language was different, my voice was lower, my speech was slower, and I was able to sit with uncomfortable silences.

There are hundreds of women have used this simple technique to have challenging conversations. And it's a tool that you can now call on whenever you feel like you need to have more authority. Simply imagine putting on your cloak of authority and claiming the authority that comes with your job title. Now, as I said earlier, one of the other signs that you are not claiming the authority that goes with your role is when we avoid setting expectations. We worry that we're going to be judged for setting expectations. But in fact, when it comes to expectations, people really value clarity. It helps no one if a team member is not delivering, because they don't know what good delivery is meant to look like. Then you do have expectations, you're just not sharing them. And you're probably getting frustrated when they're not being met. So do make sure that you're clearly articulating what good performance looks like, as well as any deadlines and the reasons for those deadlines and the standard of performance that you're looking for. So make sure you are being super clear on that people value clarity.

Now, the next step is holding people accountable to their commitments. When somebody fails to deliver upon a commitment, you don't want them to feel like it's no big deal. And that is generally what we do. So we would normally go That's okay, when it really isn't. Okay, and then we often end up doing the work ourselves. That's resonating with you actually want them to know that they're not delivering on their commitment is going to cause you issues and that they're not meeting your expectations. Now, just to be clear, we're not talking about shaming anyone, but we're about helping them to be good at their jobs and to build trust. So if someone fails to deliver rather than doing that, that's okay. Try leaving a bit of silence, which just puts them on the spot, a little bit and you could use a phrase like, oh, I thought we were clear on the deadline. Why hasn't it been done? So, the tone is crucial here, you want to sound firm, but fair, and not harsh.

Now, their response will probably be about being too busy. And then you can be clear that next time you expect them to let you know ahead of time, if something can't be done. And you need to be able to trust that when you pass something to them, they'll deliver. You can also talk to them about prioritising because carrying out a task that you've allocated to them should be a priority. And they may have too much on their plate, in which case, you need to have a conversation with them about that. But it's really, really important that if you set expectations, you close the loop that people recognise, if I don't do that, there will be some consequences to that, even if that consequences just I have to sit through an awkward conversation. And I don't want to have to do that again. So you know what, I am going to get that work done. So I can avoid that conversation. Just because you are super, super conscientious does not mean that that is everybody's default. And so not everybody will deliver upon the commitments you've asked them for. In which case, you do need to hold them to accounts and train them, then it is important to deliver on them.

The other thing I mentioned earlier is that sometimes we can be super grateful and gushy when we're asking someone to do their jobs. So keep saying please, and thank you, manners are super important. But you can leave off the superlatives. So there's no need to say thank you so much. I really appreciate it unless someone is going above and beyond their job, because everyone deserves good manners. But praise needs to be linked to effort or to performance in order to mean anything and in order to motivate anyone. So that was mistake number one. Mistake number two is avoiding difficult conversations because you want to be liked. So we all want to be liked. It's a human need. But it's impossible to be liked by everyone all the time, especially when you're managing and leading. During your career, it's extremely likely you'll have to make tough decisions, mediate between team members, communicate bad news, and disappoint people.

You will also probably need to tackle tensions between your team and other teams to push back when arguing crucial points with peers and to deliver feedback which might not necessarily be welcomed. In those moments, people might not like what you have to say, but you can still be a likeable person. How likeable you are is about how you treat people, and how you show up daily. It's not about never having difficult conversations, people will respect you for being honest, and for tackling problems. And if you've ever had to manage someone out of an organisation, because you weren't clear enough in the first place, about what you needed from them, or what good performance looks like, then you'll know it's actually kinda to let someone know that there's an issue than to ignore it and to hope it will go away. Most problems within organisations are much better tackled than swept under the carpet. And being the person who tackle issues boldly earned with kindness and empathy will help you to be seen as a leader. And if you need a bit of courage to have those conversations, then you can use that cloak of authority tool that we just talked about. Now, the next mistake is around fluffing the feedback.

So managers often hold back on giving feedback because it feels uncomfortable. Feedback is how people improve. But whilst it can be simple to give feedback on a piece of work, it often feels tougher to give feedback on behaviour. You might find yourself watering it down to the point where they have no idea what you're really saying or showering them with too much praise to make up for it. So there were some simple tools around giving feedback. And I've done a specific episode on this. We also cover it within the B boulder course. So I'm going to signpost you to that podcast episode in the show notes And to find out more about giving feedback because it is a whole podcast in itself. Mistake number four now. And that's around not setting and holding boundaries. So a boundary is a line that you draw between what is and what is not an acceptable way to treat you or to interact with you. And there is no universal set of boundaries that we all share. Instead, we've got to set boundaries that allow us to do our jobs well, and align with what is important to us. And we need to explain those boundaries when appropriate, and to stick to them. So how do you know if you need to set a boundary, usually, if you're feeling anxiety, anger or resentment about a situation, it indicates there may be a boundary that needs setting, boundary setting tends to be something we do in response to a situation rather than something that we set out when we first interact with someone. And but if you know that you need to put some boundaries in place, perhaps around your working hours, or contact with you outside of working hours, then that might be something that you could do, proactively. And we train others how to treat us. So if someone consistently steps over your boundaries, but you never tell them that you're unhappy with their behaviour, then they will assume that there is no problem.

They won't stop that behaviour unless you articulate those boundaries, because they can't read your mind, they might be able to read your mood, but they won't know exactly what they're supposed to do differently. So again, so much you could say on boundaries. So we did a great episode on this at the beginning of the year, based on a book called Work joy. And so I'm going to signpost you to that in the show notes as well. So if that's resonating with you, and you're thinking, I really do need to set some boundaries, and I don't know how to do it or what kind of boundaries I need to set, then you can go ahead and listen to that episode. Now, as a manager, you might also want to set boundaries or expectations about how you operate as a team. I remember I once joined a team as an interim director. And on my first day, one of my direct reports was really derogatory about members of the finance team in front of the rest of her team that she was managing. And I was really quick to point out that whilst I knew it was frustrating, it wasn't acceptable to speak like that about colleagues. And I suggested that she directed those comments at the finance system instead. And I was clearly signaling a boundary of how we treat others, but not minimising how she was feeling or shaming her in the process. But in that situation, it wouldn't have been appropriate to just let that go and follow it up with her afterwards, because it would have been seen as my implicit endorsement of her communicating like that about colleagues.

So it was important to speak publicly and lay that boundary down for the team, so that everyone knew that's not fell, we do things. And she and I built a strong relationship because she respected that boundary from then on. And I appreciated that. I then helped her to try and solve those finance issues. As a leader, you can also check in with your colleagues to find out if you are overstepping any boundaries, a simple question to ask is something like, Am I doing anything that makes your job harder? Or are you happy with the way I communicate with you? Is there anything you'd like me to do differently? And then the most important thing, if you ask those questions, is to listen, without being defensive, and to respect their boundaries. So it's very easy to ask a question, but don't ask the question. If you can't deal with the consequences, without reacting or being defensive or aggressive. You want to really be able to listen, and to respect those boundaries. And then the final mistake is taking responsibility for your team's happiness.

So I've coached a lot of leaders who have huge amounts of empathy, and they go to bed at night worrying about their team members, especially during periods of change. But that worrying isn't helping anyone. I had a member of influence and impact you had to put her whole team on furlough during the first COVID-19 locked down here in the UK. And their work all came to her. And yet she still took calls from every single one of them daily because they were struggling. And then she would basically work every work waking hour to catch up on her workload. And maybe they felt better after their calls. But she didn't. She didn't feel better. She couldn't help them earn she wasn't helping herself, either. and as a community, we helped her to reflect on what that was costing her and how to set some healthier boundaries. But I think we, we take too much responsibility for our team's happiness. It's a fine line between being supportive, and becoming the person that people come to in order to vent. Now, as women, potentially many of us have a maternal feeling about our teams, and I know I used to way way before I was a parent, but our teens aren't children. They're fully formed adults and when we infantilise them by taking on responsibility for their happiness, it doesn't serve us, and it doesn't serve them. If one of your team is unhappy in their role, then they need to decide whether to stay and make the best of it, or to look for another job.

Listening to the most on a weekly basis is not a good use of your time. And you're not responsible for the emotions of your team members, it's not your job, to make them happy. It is your job to provide a great working environment to the best of your ability, and to be supportive, but only they can be responsible for their own happiness. And as a leader, your role involves balancing your team members needs as individuals and the needs of the organisation. And if you believe you have to make people happy, in order to be a good leader, then you're going to really struggle to say no to them, or to make tough decisions that impact them. So I'm not saying don't care, please do care about your team, as individuals beyond what they bring to the workplace, please do be a great listener. But make sure that there's some boundaries around that. And make sure you've got resources that you can signpost, people to if they need additional support, such as a Mental Health First Aid, or an employee helpline.

So I hope they're having a listen to those five mistakes will either reassure you and I'd have overcome all of those or there are a couple of them I never made, but I've actually overcome a few of them or you're listening and going have I still do that one, or you're a new manager, and you're like, I do all five of those. No judgement here. And please don't judge yourself, I will put my hand up here and say I have definitely done all five of those. And I still find myself occasionally being drawn back towards them as a default. And we do them all for good reasons, like I've explained, but actually, they're not serving us. And they're making our job more complicated than it needs to be. They're making it doing our job, mean a bit too much about us, actually, we're translating some things as what they mean about us as a person, when actually it's just about what you need to do.

As a manager, and leader. It's a little bit of a role that you play. And it's a role that you can feel really comfortable playing. But it doesn't have to be your entire person. Like I said, I really do not like conflict in my personal life. But I will embrace it in the workplace where I need to, because that's part of the role of being a director, which was the level that I was at. So hopefully, that's given you a bit of a heads up, and some indications of maybe some areas of development for you. Now, if you're thinking you want more support in any of that, there's a couple of ways we can help. You might want to join influence and impact. We have one about to start at the end of April, I don't know when we're going to run the next open course, but it will be coming. At some point. We also have be bolder, which is for people at any level, or I offer one to one coaching as well, whether that's with me or a member of my team, we're able to support you if you are stepping up into new roles.

So lots there. And the other place, of course you can go as well as the other podcast episodes is my book, closing the influence gap, a practical guide for women leaders who want to be heard, there is loads in there. And there's a lot on delegation as well actually, which is another area that many new managers struggle with. We've also done a podcast episode on that. So I will signpost you to that. I hope you enjoyed this. If you did, or if you're thinking or members of my team might benefit from this, please do spread the word. We I think we've just hit 121,000 downloads we get somewhere between five and 7000 downloads a month and which is amazing. I would like it to be even more I'd like to be helping even more people. So spread the word or leave a review. That would be amazing.

Okay, have a great couple of weeks, and I shall be back soon take care thanks, for listening to today's episode.

If you're not already subscribing, please do so, so that you don't miss any future episodes. And if you want to go deeper on the topics that we talk about here on the podcast on confidence, self-doubt, impostor feelings, increasing your influence being better at leading, then there are a few avenues that you can take.

The simplest is to get yourself a copy of my book, closing the influence gap. If you love this podcast, it is crazy if you don't already own that book, because it's got so much of the content from the podcast in a really accessible way. And so many practical tools and strategies. It's basically a practical guide for women leaders who want to be heard in the workplace, you can grab a copy in any bookstore.

Now, we also run a couple of open programmes. We run them once or twice a year each, there is Be Bolder, our four week confidence and assertiveness course, which is suitable for women at any level.

And then there's also Influence and Impact, which is our Women's Leadership Development Programme. That's a three-month small group cohort working closely with me.

And then my team and I also work in house in organisations, sometimes that's working with women leaders, whether that's running a whole Women's Leadership Programme, or running one of our really popular master classes for women leaders.

Sometimes it's working with early to mid-career women, where we're often sharing our be bolder confidence and assertiveness programme. We also offer gender neutral versions of that which are becoming increasingly popular because women aren't the only people experiencing confidence challenges.

And then finally, we do work with allyship and supporting men to help bring about gender equity in the workplace as well. So if you are heading up a team, or a department or within your organisation, you're responsible for the people function or L&D. And we'd like to have a chat about how we can work together. I would absolutely love that and you can go to my website and book a call.

Or if it's simpler, head on over to LinkedIn. Let's connect and let's chat there. I would love to take working with you to the next level and help you to become an organisation that retains and develops and supports the talented women that work for you.