Carla Miller [00:00:00]:

Welcome to the Influence and Impact podcast for female leaders. My name's Carla Miller and I'm a leadership coach who helps female leaders to tackle self doubt, become brilliant at influencing, and make more impact at work. I've created this podcast to help you to become a more inspiring and impactful leader. And I want to become the lead to Ship BFF. You didn't know you were missing until now. Now, I know lots of us are feeling really tired right now. We've got a lot going on. But have you noticed that there are some people or some meetings and conversations that you come away from just feeling more drained? If you have, then this is the episode that is going to really help you work out how to change that, because our energy is precious and we want to protect it.

Carla Miller [00:00:59]:

Now, before we start that, I wanted to let you know that I am giving away something free that I think you will find super, super helpful. So for years, I used to run a free master class called how to Worry Less About Work. Thousands of women have been through it. And I was talking to a client the other day about how she first came across me, and she said, you know, I literally don't worry anymore. When I catch myself worrying, I just use the techniques that you taught me and I don't worry anymore. It's literally changed my life. I was like, maybe I should bring back that worry Masterclass. Now, Master classes take a lot of effort to arrange.

Carla Miller [00:01:42]:

So I'm doing the shortcut, which is that I have taken an excerpt from that Masterclass, which is the five strategies I use to worry less about work. I've put them into a video and I am gifting that to anyone that signs up to my Fortnightly newsletter. So I send a newsletter fortnightly. If you're not on it, highly recommend being on it. It includes a leadership tip. It tells you about the latest podcast episode. It shares anything interesting going on in the world of gender equity. And now it also means that you can watch the warri video whenever you want to do that.

Carla Miller [00:02:16]:

So if you would like to do that, then go to my website, Carlamillertraining.com newsletter. Sign up there. You'll get immediate access to that video. You'll get my Fortnight newsletter, and you can, of course, unsubscribe whenever you want to. But hopefully that's going to help you to just worry less about work to stop that waking up in the middle of the night or not being able to go to sleep at night because you've got work worries going. On in your mind whether that's how much you have to do or replaying that conversation or that awkward situation that happened earlier in the day and just feeling rubbish about it. We don't want any of that. We want lovely, lovely sleep.

Carla Miller [00:03:00]:

So do go and check that out, Carlamillertraining.com newsletter, and you'll get access to my worry workshop. Okay, so let's talk about energy, protecting your energy from other people and coming away from these conversations feeling drained. Now, there are a couple of different things going on here, so I'm going to speak to each of them separately. Now, the first is that someone might have energy that drains you. Now, bear with me if this sounds a little bit woo. It is slightly woo, but it's also a really, really helpful kind of visual process and concept to play with. So have you ever felt physically drained after a conversation? Like you're just exhausted or maybe even a bit icky? You've had a conversation with someone else and you kind of like, wish you could have a shower afterwards because it just feels a bit icky, or maybe you've had a conversation with someone and you're like, I feel really energized and positive. And it wasn't particularly that conversation, but just spending time with that person has made me feel good.

Carla Miller [00:04:10]:

Now, what's going on there is that most of us are actually quite sensitive to other people's energy, so our nervous systems are connected to each other. It was really interesting reading about this in a book recently. So what's going on in my nervous system, as you listen to this, is a little bit contagious for your nervous system. So if I was really low energy and just feeling a bit down or sad, then you would sense a tiny bit of that. And equally, I hope that when you listen to the podcast, you feel that I am upbeat, positive, also hopefully keeping it real a little bit as well. And it makes you feel better having spent this little bit of time hanging out with me in an audio way. Our energy is contagious and in particular, stress is really contagious. So you could be feeling quite chilled.

Carla Miller [00:05:10]:

You go in a room and have a meeting with someone who's in a really, really stressed place, and your stress levels will be slowly increasing during that meeting because their nervous system is dysregulated and it's actually causing your nervous system to be more dysregulated too. Now, the good thing is it works the other way around as well. So some people are just really calming and you can go in a room with them and you feel a lot calmer. So that happens to all of us to some extent. And then there are some of us who are what's called empaths. So as empaths, we really physically feel the emotions that other people are experiencing. So if I am coaching a client and I can tell that they're kind of on the verge of a breakthrough, that's going to be quite upsetting to them, sometimes I have the feeling of feeling a bit tearful before they do. Like, I can just feel it coming in them equally.

Carla Miller [00:06:09]:

I really find myself feeling irritated after being with someone who is irritating or feeling stressed after being with someone who's stressed. So some of us are empaths. And what's really important is to notice how you react to other people's energy and notice the particular people or the particular meetings or situations that cause your energy to just feel less great. So what can you do to protect your energy from people who are feeling like maybe they're feeling really negative and all about how things can't be done? Maybe they're feeling stressed, maybe they worry about everything, they're feeling anxious, and they are of course, entitled to all of those feelings, but you don't want to catch those feelings from them. Well, my favorite really, really simple tool here is to just choose to consciously protect your energy. And how do you do that? Well, you think of a color that makes you feel how you want to feel. So maybe you want to feel really calm or maybe you want to feel powerful or upbeat, whatever it is you think of a color. For me, it's kind of a shiny, kind of iridescent goldie color, and you imagine a bubble popping up around you of that color.

Carla Miller [00:07:28]:

And this is your energy bubble. It's also kind of like a protected zone, a protected barrier around you. That means that you stay in your energy and other people keep their energy. So you go into a meeting with this protective bubble around you, you feel calm. And when other people's negative comments or challenges or just their energy come at you, you just picture it bouncing right back off your bubble. This is like, I'm sure there's a word for it from Star Trek, but for me it's just a bubble. You've got your energy bubble and you sit in it, and their energy just bounces right off it. And what you will notice is that you will get less riled by other people, less irritated, less tired by other people.

Carla Miller [00:08:13]:

When you go out to the meeting, you can just let that bubble go. You don't need that bubble up all the time. But actually, if you're feeling really low on energy, you might want to put that bubble up all the time. And you can do it virtually as well. This all happens virtually, not as much as it happens in person, but you can absolutely get a sense of someone's energy virtually as well, can't you? So tip number one, imagine an energy bubble protecting you, your protective energy bubble, and anyone else's energy just bounces off and they don't get any of your energy. Now, the other thing you can do is if you have had a meeting with someone and you're feeling stressed, tired, just not great, what you can do if you're at home, for example, is open the windows and just let the energy of that conversation disappear out of the window. Or the other thing you can do is shake it off. So I learned this on a retreat many years ago, and actually I use it a lot.

Carla Miller [00:09:10]:

So when deers are out in the wild and they sense danger, the first thing they do is freeze. And then when that danger has passed, if they haven't had to run away, then they literally shake off their limbs to get rid of that tension. Now, what you will have noticed is that we do a version of that but without the shaking off the limbs. So when we sense danger and our nervous system senses danger everywhere, in emails, in meetings, that's a whole different session and we talk about that within the Be Boulder course. But when we sense danger, we tense. It might be our jaw, our shoulders, our neck, our stomach, but we tense. And what's happening is we're sensing danger all day and we're getting tenser and tenser and tenser and tenser and we can literally shake that off. I am actually recording this one with video for the first time so I can kind of see myself shaking it off.

Carla Miller [00:10:06]:

But you just shake your hands and just imagine like flicking something off your hands and then you can shake the rest of your body as well. I won't do the full shake for the video, but you could just spend a minute shaking things off. What you will notice is your energy feels really alive and vibrant after that. So it works to shake off stress, but it also works to shake off the energy of another person or a situation. Just kind of forget about it. It's like a reset button basically and you will feel really good after you do that. So those are some things you can do when someone or a situation has energy that drains you. Now, the other thing that can happen is that you might have an unhelpful story in your head about that person or that meeting and that's what's actually draining you.

Carla Miller [00:10:53]:

Your own thoughts are causing you stress, causing you to be upset or worried or nervous, whatever it is and then that is what's draining you. Because our thoughts are incredibly powerful, they're also not all true and those thoughts create emotions in us. Sometimes it works the other way around, but quite often we have the thought and then it creates the emotion in us. So for example, you might be sat in a meeting where everyone is just going round in circles and in your head you're thinking I am so busy, this is a complete waste of my time, I've not got the time to waste in this meeting, I have so much to do. And you start feeling anxious or restless or you stop paying attention and instead work on your to do list so that you feel some sense of control. Or you're going into a meeting to talk to your line manager or a senior colleague and give them some feedback and you think well this person never listens to me, so what is the point of giving them that feedback? So then you don't speak up and then actually it's not their fault you're not being heard because you're not actually communicating anything to them. So can you see how in those two situations, what's happening is the thoughts that we're having about that person or that meeting are impacting how we feel and impacting our behavior and impacting the outcomes that we're getting now within be bolder, we share some really powerful ways to identify those unhelpful thoughts. We call them unhelpful or limiting beliefs in coaching and to choose happier ones.

Carla Miller [00:12:29]:

But for now, I'm going to teach you just a really quick swap, which is when you notice one of those thoughts coming up, then just ask yourself how do I want to feel now and what thought would help me with that? So ask yourself how do I want to feel now? And what thought would help me with that? So let's go back to that example of the meeting that's going round in circles. Or how do you want to feel. I want to feel like I have a bit more of a sense of control over my time. And you might think I can help make this meeting better, or you might think I'm going to make better decisions about what meetings I do and don't attend. And actually this has prompted me to go and have a discussion about how I don't want to be in these meetings anymore. Either way you'll feel more empowered and less frustrated. Or going back to that example about the person that never listens to you, you might want to feel heard and valued. Okay, so what thought do you need to have there? It might be a thought around how can I communicate to this person so I'm heard or how do I raise this fact that I don't feel heard with this person? Either way, you're doing something to take some positive action to change the situation.

Carla Miller [00:13:52]:

Now, there is a third reason why other people are draining your energy and that is that your boundaries aren't clear and you're literally giving away your energy. You're putting their needs ahead of your own. You're solving their problems for you. This is something that comes up a lot. It definitely used to be a big thing for me. Now, if that's you, stay tuned because our next episode is going to be specifically on that how to stop doing things that you don't want to do. So just to recap within this episode, what we've talked about are firstly, protecting your energy. If you are sensitive to other people's energy, get yourself an energy bubble that protects you from other people's energy and their negativity.

Carla Miller [00:14:40]:

And secondly, after a meeting, get rid of that energy. It might be go for a walk, it might be open a window, it might be physically shake it off. Really, really simple. It will make you feel much, much better. And then notice how are my thoughts making this situation worse? How are my thoughts draining me more than what this other person or what this meeting is actually doing to me. And choose a more empowering thought. Think to yourself, how do I want to feel and what would help me with that? Now, you may have noticed this episode is shorter than normal. This is a new style of episode.

Carla Miller [00:15:15]:

We're also busy. I love that you were all taking me on your dog walks and things like that, but sometimes you only have 20 minutes. So we're going to try and keep these episodes nice and short, give you some really practical tips. So I hope that that really helps you with managing your energy. Our energy is our most precious resource. Let's protect it. I look forward to chatting to you on the next episode about how you can stop doing those things that you don't want to do. Do check out that worry video by signing up to my newsletter@carlamillertraining.com.

Carla Miller [00:15:50]:

Newsletter. And then there was one more thing I wanted to talk to you about, which is there is something super, super exciting coming soon. I have been sitting on this idea for about two years. It just hasn't been the right time and it's evolved in a few ways. But I've got a new offer coming really soon. It's going to be super exciting and I'm either going to do some kind of early bird offer or I'm going to do a crowdfunding campaign with some amazing rewards and things for signing up. So watch this space. In fact, the newsletter is the thing to do.

Carla Miller [00:16:24]:

Sign up to the newsletter because anyone on the newsletter will be first to know about it. You want to get in this first because there's going to be some incredible bargains to start with. And also, I think it's going to rock your working world. So I'm really excited to share the details with you about that really, really soon. In the meantime, have a great couple of weeks. Take care. Thanks for listening to today's episode. If you're not already subscribing, please do so so that you don't miss any future episodes.

Carla Miller [00:16:54]:

And if you want to go deeper on the topics that we talk about here on the podcast, on confidence, self doubt, impostor feelings, increasing your influence, being better at leading, then there are a few avenues that you can take. The simplest is to get yourself a copy of my book, Closing the Influence Gap. If you love this podcast, it is crazy if you don't already own that book because it's got so much of the content from the podcast in a really accessible way and so many practical tools and strategies. It's basically a practical guide for women leaders who want to be heard in the workplace. You can grab a copy in any bookstore. Now. We also run a couple of open programs. We run them once or twice a year each.

Carla Miller [00:17:39]:

There is Be Boulder, our four week Confidence and Assertiveness course, which is suitable for women at any level. And then there's also Influence and Impact, which is our Women's Leadership Development Program that's a three month small group cohort working closely with me and then my team and I also work in house in organizations. Sometimes that's working with women leaders, whether that's running a whole Women's Leadership program or running one of our really popular Master classes for women leaders, sometimes it's working with early to mid career women where we're often sharing our Be Bolder, Confidence and Assertiveness program. We also offer gender neutral versions of that which are becoming increasingly popular because women aren't the only people experiencing confidence challenges. And then finally, we do work with Allyship and supporting men to help bring about gender equity in the workplace as well. So if you are heading up a team or a department within your organization, you're responsible for the People Function or LND and would like to have a chat about how we can work together. I would absolutely love that and you can go to my website and book a call or if it's simpler, head on over to LinkedIn. Let's Connect and let's chat there.

Carla Miller [00:18:59]:

I would love to take working with you to the next level and help you to become an organization that retains and develops and supports the talented women that work for.