Carla Miller [00:00:01]:
Do you worry what other people think of you? Perhaps it stops you contributing in meetings for fear of judgment from others, or keeps you awake replaying conversations in your head feeling like you've said something wrong, Or maybe it means when you've got something challenging to say, you water it down to the point where you're barely making a point anymore. If any of that sounds familiar, then keep listening because in this short episode, I'm going to give you some insights and strategies that you can use to reduce those worries and allow you to perform at your best at work. This is the last in a series of 3 solo episodes, and we've already explored over committing and people pleasing in episodes 16 6 and 168. So if you've not listened to those, be sure to do so after this. I've also got a fantastic new and free resource for you. My how to say no challenge. Where in just 5 days, I'll take you from saying yes and regretting it to being able to confidently say no. So if you're interested in that, sign up at carlamillertraining.comforward/sayno.

Carla Miller [00:01:10]:
My name's Carla Miller, leadership coach, author, trainer, and founder of Women Leading. The community that helps women to lead without overwhelm. I'm on a mission to empower women leaders in the workplace and make leading less lonely. And this is the Influence and Impact podcast for women leaders, helping you confidently navigate the ups and downs of leadership and feel less alone on your journey as a leader. In fortnightly episodes, I share practical tools and insights from myself and my brilliant guests that will help you to succeed in your career. Now before we jump into the episode, there's a couple of things I wanted to let you know about. The first is that we have the next cohort of influence and impact starting in September. For those of you that don't know, it's my 3 month women's leadership program for up to 20 people, so a chance to work closely with me and really dive deep on some of the work around self doubt, imposter feelings, inner critic, your personal leadership brand, and influencing upwards and sideways.

Carla Miller [00:02:12]:
It's all the stuff that I know a lot of women leaders, however senior, struggle with. And I love running that program, and we've had over 500 women go through it over the years. So head over to my website if you'd like to know more about that. And then just letting you know what's coming up in women leading, which is my ongoing membership community for, yep, you guessed it, women leaders. In September, we've got a fantastic workshop coming up on setting and holding boundaries with Jen McKenna who's been a guest on the podcast talking about dealing with difficult relationships. That's obviously really closely aligned to the sort of thing that we're talking about in today's episode. If you would like to find out more about women leading, then head over to carlamillertraining.com forward slash women leading to find out more. Okay.

Carla Miller [00:03:05]:
So we want to worry less about what other people think of us because it's problematic. It can absolutely stop us speaking up for fear of judgment. So we talk about this in a session within influence and impact on increasing your impact in meetings. And these are mid to senior level women, and these are the sort of things that they share stops them from speaking up confidently in meetings. They say things like, I'm worried I'm gonna say something wrong. I'm not totally confident that what I'm saying is correct. Sometimes I have a different view on things and it feels like people are looking down on me. I'm worried that I might come across as too blunt or direct.

Carla Miller [00:03:50]:
Maybe I'm not up to date enough with the topic. What if I haven't got time to gather my thoughts? And what if I'm thinking isn't good enough or isn't actually worth sharing? Or what if I'm not expressing it in the right way? Isn't it amazing that these super talented women, these women are all fantastic, they're all successful, they're all very, very smart women, are experiencing such a lot of self doubt in these meetings. And I have talked before about gender bias and the role it plays in this, but just as a recap, we do see more of this come up for women in meetings. It does come up for men as well, but we see it more in women. And I think it's because we do have to struggle so hard to get our voice heard to be taken seriously despite the fact that we're incredibly competent. So we have some very real fears about what other people might think of us that are stopping us from contributing our valuable thoughts to a meeting. And note that I said fears of what people might think of us, and I'm gonna talk more about that later. Now the other thing that's not helpful is that worrying about what people might think of us can make us dilute either the content of what we're saying or the delivery of what we're saying.

Carla Miller [00:05:09]:
So let's say we've got an idea, but we're not sure how well it's gonna go down. We might not want to upset anyone, so we dilute that idea down. Maybe we're half hearted about how we suggest it. Maybe we just suggest a lighter version rather than the powerful idea that we had in the first place. Or we soften our delivery. So let's say we have to give some feedback and we're worried about what the person's going to think about us. We often soften the feedback so much that they might not even realize they're getting feedback or realize what we're asking them to change or do. It does not make us confident at communicating.

Carla Miller [00:05:48]:
It does not help us to perform in our roles when we're thinking a lot about what others think. And then the final reason is it is a waste of our time and energy. If you are waking up in the night or replaying meetings in your head afterwards worried about what you could have done differently, what people were thinking of you, quite frankly, that is a waste of your precious mental headspace in this time when we're already feeling very overwhelmed. And it's taking up some of your precious time as well. So it isn't helpful, this worrying so much about what people think of us. And this also links to an episode I did back in episode 32 on why we look to others for validation. So I would definitely head over to that episode after this one if you know that that's something that comes up for you. But in that episode, I was talking about this idea of the hungry ghost that comes from Buddhism where we are often looking to others for validation.

Carla Miller [00:06:52]:
We're looking for others to tell us, to reassure us that we're good enough. And conversely, we're also part of our brain is looking to others to evidence and back up that little quiet voice in our head that says that we're not good enough. Now, Buddhist call this the hungry ghost because however much we get filled with validation from others, it doesn't really ever seem to satisfy us. Because the only way that we can actually truly feel good enough is to find that validation for ourselves. And I think this is something that impacts so many people. It's something we work on in coaching. It's also something that's really helpful to explore in therapy as well, and that's something that I'm starting to do myself and finding very enlightening. So it's worth recognizing that one of the things that could be impacting this is a need for external validation.

Carla Miller [00:07:51]:
So I wanted to share some insights that might help you when it comes to worrying a lot about what other people think. Okay. So the first thing I want to share is that we can't actually read other people's minds. Like, how often do we sit there making up a story about what someone thinks or is going to think. And then at some point, we get to have a conversation with them, and they were not thinking the same thing as we had imagined at all. We seem to think that we can mind read, but we can't. So what's happening when you think you're mind reading and reading the signs is that your brain is making up stories about what could happen and thinking that those are real. And we have a natural inbuilt negativity bias, which means we are more likely to make up negative stories about what's going to happen and then think of ways that we could possibly protect ourselves from that rather than make up positive stories about what's gonna happen.

Carla Miller [00:08:56]:
And the acronym for fear is often described as false expectations appearing real. And that feels very, very apt here. So often, we are imagining all the things that could possibly go wrong as if they are definitely going to go wrong, and we should prepare ourselves for that. And that stops us from speaking up in the first place. If we think back to the things that the women in my group were sharing, they were sharing them as if there was a very real chance that they could be wrong, that what they were saying was irrelevant, that it wasn't correct, that they would come across badly. I have spent quite a lot of hours hanging out with these women. I think that is highly unlikely in reality. And I think that if they did, on an occasion, say something that didn't land well, they absolutely, as do you, have the skills and ability to rescue that situation, to turn that into a constructive conversation that moves things forward.

Carla Miller [00:09:57]:
So just recognize, is this a fact that you're telling yourself or is it fear, false expectations appearing real? And the second insight I wanted to share with you is that most people in meetings are actually thinking about themselves anyway. They're not thinking about you at all in all likelihood because you are sitting there in that meeting thinking mainly about yourself because you're human. And that's what everybody else in the room is doing too. Maybe they've got a blank look because they're rehearsing in their head what they're gonna say when they get a chance to speak. I've certainly done that. I imagine you have sometimes as well. So let's not assume that when we talk to a room, it's a room full full of people sitting there intently listening to every word we say, looking for something negative to say about it or judging our ability to do our role and be good at our role based on how we're contributing in one meeting. They're sat there thinking about themselves.

Carla Miller [00:11:08]:
Okay. And I wanted to also share with you some practical strategies that you can use alongside those insights. So one of the ones that I have found most helpful is when I go into that kind of situation, instead of doing my usual thing of focusing on myself and what are other people gonna think of me, and is this the right thing to say. Instead, my focus is on adding value, on representing my team, on being a great contributor to the meeting, keeping the conversation moving forward. And I find that helpful in all sorts of ways. I find that really helpful recording the podcast because I could absolutely be beating myself up for all sorts of things. And I don't sit and listen to them afterwards for that reason because my brain will go there. Instead, I focus on, right, let's get something out there, and let's try and be as helpful to other people as I can.

Carla Miller [00:12:12]:
So focus on adding value. And if you look at it from that lens of adding value, if you're thinking about, for example, speaking up in a meeting, at the moment, you might be holding yourself up from speaking up in certain meetings or maybe, in all meetings. Let's flip that. So instead of doing what your brain is doing at the moment, which is thinking of all the bad things that could possibly happen if you spoke up, let's think about, well, what are the benefits of you making your contribution in that meeting? And the benefits could be anything from being seen as an expert in your area, being seen as a leader, improving the quality of the conversation by adding a different viewpoint, sharing expertise that they need to know, bringing your team's knowledge and expertise and reputation to the forefront. There are so many benefits to you, to your team, to the quality of that meeting, to the organization if you make your contributions in meetings rather than letting fear of what other people might think hold you back. And I often think of it as, yeah, it's my job to do this. So Carla, the person, might be worried about what other people think, but Carla, the director, for example, when I used to be a director, knows that it's my job to say certain things, to say the things that need to be said, and also knows that over time, I've contributed to a lot of meetings. And were all the things I contributed pure genius? No.

Carla Miller [00:13:48]:
But do I know that I add value when I actually do speak in meetings? Yes. I know I do. And I think you know that about yourself as well. So focus on adding value. Don't focus on yourself, and think about if you speak up in that meeting, what might be the benefits of that. Now another thing you can do before you go into the meeting is notice what's the thought that I'm having ahead of this meeting, and how is that thought making me feel? So you might be having a thought like this meeting's gonna be challenging or so and so always looks bored when I speak, whatever it might be. And then I want you to ask yourself, what's a more helpful thought that I can have going into this meeting? One of the helpful thoughts I like to use is I can add value to this meeting, or I'm in this meeting for a reason, or I'm the person in this meeting who knows most about x, whatever it is. So notice the thought you're having and think about a more helpful thought that you could have that would enable you to go into that meeting feeling more confident.

Carla Miller [00:15:00]:
Sounds really simple, doesn't it? But our thoughts are determining our actions, whether we speak up or not, determining the feelings that we're having and how our body is feeling and what that's telling us to do. So our thoughts are really, really powerful. So let's start to be more intentional about those thoughts when we're going into meetings we might find challenging. And then if you're one of those people that spends time after a meeting worrying about how things went, again, ask yourself, right, what I'm telling myself about that person, yawning or rolling their eyes or shifting position just as I was saying something or interrupting me. Like, how much of what I'm telling myself is a fact and how much is a story. So let's say someone interrupted you. A fact might be that person interrupted me. That person started speaking before I I had finished.

Carla Miller [00:15:57]:
The story you then tell yourself about it is I was obviously not articulating myself or I was waffling on or they don't respect me or they think what I had to say wasn't relevant to the meeting, so they just started talking over me. All of those are stories, made up stories in your head with that negativity bias, hard at work with those stories. So if it is a story, ask yourself, is this story helping me? And again, reframe your thoughts. So if you know that that story is not helping you, well, what would be a more helpful story? It might be, I had the courage to speak up. At least that point is now on their radar. My point prompted somebody else to make a contribution to the meeting. You can come up with all sorts of different ways to reframe it. And one of the things we suggest doing when we go through the impact in meetings session within influence and impact is when you come out of a meeting that you know you are prone to criticizing yourself afterwards, then say to yourself, right, what what are 2 things I did well in that meeting, or what are 2 things I'm proud of myself for in that meeting, and what's one thing that I can learn from and do differently next time? So instead of just taking something that didn't go as perfectly as you might have hoped and beating yourself up for it, instead, you have a growth mindset that says, right, this is really useful information.

Carla Miller [00:17:29]:
All my experiences are helping to make me better and better each time. And then finally, I would really suggest if this is something you struggle with, that you look at doing some foundational work on your inner critic, on that negative mental self chatter and self doubt and imposter feelings. It's obviously something that we go deep on within influence and impact because it is so foundational to our performance and our ability to influence others. But work with a coach, go and see a therapist to go deeper on it. There's lots of different things that you can do if influence and impact isn't for you. But if you've listened to the this, trio of episodes and thought these are really useful strategies, but I feel like I still need to go deeper on this, then do have a look into influence and impact. So just to recap, the strategies that I have shared with you here are instead of focusing so much on yourself, and that inner critic voice getting very vocal, focus on adding value and think about the benefits of you contributing in a meeting. Before a meeting, notice any unhelpful thoughts you're having, choose a more helpful thought to have, and I gave you some examples.

Carla Miller [00:18:43]:
And, again, after a meeting, if you're telling yourself a story, work out how much of it is is fact, how much of it is story, and what would be a more helpful story to tell yourself. Hopefully, that's given you some useful insights that you can put into action so that you can spend less of your time worrying about what others think of you and so that you could stop it from holding you back from bringing your contribution and showing what value you can add to your organization. It can make us play it small worrying about what other people think in all different areas of our lives, and maybe this will help you to choose not to play it quite so small in your next meeting.