Carla Miller [00:00:06]:
There's nothing worse than that moment in a meeting when you're put on the spot and your mind goes blank, or your boss asks you a question that you weren't expecting. The seconds seem to last for hours. Panic sets in, and you often end up either making up something you later regret or mumbling something fake than apologetic. Does that sound like you sometimes? Well, it doesn't have to be that way. Join me in this episode as I explain how by shifting your mindset, you can take the pressure off those situations, allowing you to perform better. I'm also going to share with you the exact powerful phrases you can use to respond when you're put on the spot. We'll cover how to buy yourself a moment to think, how to delay giving any answer until the following day, and how to respond unconfidently when you're asked for information that you don't have to hand. This is the Influence and Impact podcast for women leaders, helping you confidently navigate the ups and downs of leadership and feel less alone on your journey as a leader.

Carla Miller [00:01:14]:
My name's Carla Miller. I've been coaching leaders for the past 15 years, and I'm your new leadership bestie. And as your bestie, I'm here to remind you of the value you bring to your organization to help you believe in yourself and to share practical tools and insights from myself and my brilliant guests that will help you succeed in your career. So let's dive into today's episode. Why do we feel so uncomfortable when we're put on the spot, and what can we do to perform well in that situation? There are lots of reasons why we feel uncomfortable, including the fact that we don't want to look stupid, or we may have had bad experiences in the past when answering quickly, and want to avoid that happening again. But there are 2 particular reasons I'd like to dive a little deeper on with you. The first of those is the fact that your expectations of yourself may be super high, and that in itself, just those expectations, is creating anxiety. Now this ties into some of the personas and ways of thinking that I often talk about in my b bolder and influence than impact courses.

Carla Miller [00:02:28]:
We're gonna share with you a couple of those ways of thinking now. Now one of them is this idea, I must be perfect. I can't get anything wrong. I don't deserve to be here if I make than mistakes. And we can see how if we're putting that immense amount of pressure on ourself, that's gonna paralyze us when we're in a situation where we're gonna have to talk about something or deliver a response that is not a 100% that we're not a 100% confident of. Now another way of thinking that comes up a lot is I must find it easy. Surely, I should know the answer to this by ease. The fact that I'm not finding it easy, maybe that means I shouldn't be in this room.

Carla Miller [00:03:14]:
I don't deserve to be in this for maybe I shouldn't be in this role. And again, not a very helpful approach. Not everything is easy, even those of us who are brilliant at our jobs still find things hard, that's about growing and learning and finding something hard or needing time to think about something is not a sign that you're in the wrong place. And then, the final unhelpful way of thinking is this idea that in order to answer or to give some kind of response when you're put on the spot, you must be a 100% sure about it. 95 isn't enough. What if someone catches you out? What if you look silly or like you think you know something that you don't actually know? Again, not very helpful, and we don't actually have to respond being a 100% confident in what we're saying. If we know we're, like, 90% there, we can always caveat our responses. So we can always say something along the lines of, I'm pretty sure it's this, but I'll go back and just double check that before we make the decision.

Carla Miller [00:04:30]:
So you don't have to be a 100% sure. Don't let that hold you back from contributing something to a meeting, but you can tell from those 3 ways of thinking, I must be perfect or I must Find it easy or I must be a 100% sure that what you're doing there is setting an expectation of yourself that's so high that you can't help but feel that you are lacking in some way. And then that is paralyzing you. That is stopping you from speaking up and making what would than be a really helpful contribution to a meeting. So what can you do about this? Well, the first step to overcoming this is one that you can take today, which is simply to recognize that your expectations of yourself about setting you up for failure and making you unhappy. And one kind way of approaching that is to ask yourself, Would you expect of others what you expect of yourself? And particularly for those of you that are managers and leaders, would you really set these super high expectations of everyone that worked for you. Do you expect them to get it perfect or to find everything easy or to be totally sure every time they to your questions. Often, it can really help to think about those expectations we have and think, would I place these on my best friend or my team members or my children.

Carla Miller [00:06:04]:
Now within my courses, we go into some in-depth strategies that you can use to help you to be kinder to yourself, reframe your thinking. And I also share practical tips that you can put into practice just to leave some of these unhelpful ways of thinking in the past. We have 2 entire sessions on this internal confidence idea. Now doing this work can really increase your confidence both inside and outside of the workplace, so it's worth putting that on your wish list for 2024. Now the second reason why we might feel so uncomfortable when we're put on the spot is that you may be what's called a reflective thinker. So about a third of us are reflective thinkers, and reflective thinkers will want time to consider their answers. They know that with more time, they'll come to a response that they feel more confident in. Now if you are a reflective thinker, then you will know that unfortunately, meetings are not designed for reflective thinking, and decision making in meetings is all the worse for it, in my opinion.

Carla Miller [00:07:15]:
If you are a reflective thinker and you haven't already, Definitely check out episode 134, which is called thriving as an introvert in the workplace with guest Emma Taggart. We dive deep on that topic there. Now I've had clients who have come to me seeing their reflective thinking as a flaw. They say things like my brain is just slower than everyone else's. My brain just doesn't seem to work as well as everybody else. I don't feel like I'm able to perform as well as everybody else. And so it's really important to know that reflective thinking can be a huge strength. And if you are not a reflective thinker, it's worth learning how to support and create environments and meetings that create space for reflective thinking.

Carla Miller [00:08:09]:
Now, I am not a reflective thinker despite being on the introvert end of an ambivert. And as a result, I can often rush to action or decisions or overly rely on gut instinct. And organizations need a mixture of thinking styles within meetings for optimum decision making. So if you're a reflective thinker or if you didn't know you were and you've just had a listen and gone, well, yeah, I'd much rather have time to think something over and really think it through before I give an answer. Hopefully, we've now normalized that a bit for you. You're not alone. It's a third of people. But also taking that pressure off yourself to respond super quickly even when that doesn't feel like the right thing for you to do will make you feel more comfortable in meetings in generally because I imagine it's probably quite scary going into meetings, especially with senior people without real fear of being put on the spot because you know that you want to take a bit of time to think things through.

Carla Miller [00:09:15]:
And when you check out episode 134, there's lots in there about how we can improve meetings and the things you can ask for ahead of meetings to allow you to do more of your prep and your thinking beforehand. Now, when we're put on the spot, What can we do about it? Firstly, we want to respond in a way that sounds clear, confident and professional, not apologetic, and not vague. For many of us, our natural instinct is to to feel embarrassed at not having the perfect answer on the tip of our tongue, or to start talking and hope that the answers come to us, which often leads to a bit of a rambly, vague, unclear response. Now the first thing we want to do is to calm down your nervous system because it will have been triggered, and when it's triggered, it's very hard to respond. Now there are lots of different ways to do that, but one really simple way is to ground yourself, so to feel your feet on the ground. So let's do a little practice of that now so you can recognize that sensation and see what it does for you personally. So pop both of your feet flat on the ground. You can even do this if you're walking.

Carla Miller [00:10:37]:
I know lots of you, walk your dogs, or walk to work and listen to the podcast. So that's fine. What I would love you to do for the next 10 seconds is to just notice the sensations on the soles of your feet. So I just want you to direct your attention to the soles of your feet. Gonna be quiet for 10 seconds whilst you do that. And if you are able to sit still, the next step to that is to imagine that growing out through the bottoms of your feet, the soles of your feet are roots that you're like a tree and there are deep than strong roots that are growing down deep and down wide, really, really grounding you deep in the earth and making you feel very stable. Okay. So you can stop thinking about that now.

Carla Miller [00:11:39]:
You might wanna keep your feet there. It feels good, doesn't it? People often tell me it feels really calming. They feel solid. They feel stable. And it does. It sends this message up to your nervous system, and to your brain that you're safe, that everything is okay. And it's useful to have things we can do with our body because we assume our brain tells our body what to do. But actually, most of the time, the communication is going the other way around.

Carla Miller [00:12:11]:
Our body is triggered and is in a state of fear and is telling our brain how to react to that, and so by just noticing our feet on the ground, and when you're in the moment, you don't have to do 10 seconds, You don't need to imagine the roots. Just recreate that sensation. Just for a moment, just feel your feet on the ground and that calming that comes with it. Now the second thing that's useful to do is to have a mindset that says, it's okay that you don't have the answers to everything straight away. If we need more time for whatever reason, let's ask for it, but let's not ask for it apologetically. And I recommend having some holding phrases up your sleeve, and I'm gonna share with you the exact than holding phrases that I like to use, and they might inspire you to create some of your own. Or you might think, actually, I've noticed that one of my colleagues does in meetings, and that goes down really well. So the 1st holding phrase I really like is, great question.

Carla Miller [00:13:21]:
Let me think about that for a moment. A bit of flattery goes a long way, they feel like They have indeed ask a fantastic question that is worthy of thought, and you get a few moments to think. Now another phrase you can do to buy yourself a few moments to think and a bit more information is say, can you tell me more? Or can you tell me more about that? So whilst they are responding, you have some time to do a little bit of thinking, and you can pick up the keywords that they're saying. And another thing you can say if you are one of the more senior people in the room is you can say, let's take a moment to reflect on that. So you do need a little bit of authority in the room in order to ask everyone in the meeting to stop talking whilst you do some thinking, whilst you all do some thinking. But as said earlier, a third of us are reflective thinkers. There'll be some people going, wow, time to think. Brilliant.

Carla Miller [00:14:21]:
So let's take a moment to reflect on that. Those are 3 holding phrases that you can use when you just need a few moments to think. Now, Sometimes, you're gonna need more time than that. So there are some phrases that you can do to buy yourself some more time, and and they're variations on a theme. So one I like to use is, that's a great question, and I think it deserves further reflection. Let me come back to you on that tomorrow. Can you see or can you hear how that's not apologetic? It's professional. It's clear.

Carla Miller [00:14:58]:
It sounds like I'm confident doing my job, but it's saying that topic or that question requires further reflection or deserves further reflection. Again, with the flattery in there. Or another phrase is, I'd like to take the time to really think about the points you've raised here. I'll send some thoughts through tomorrow. Now unless someone is really, really in an urgent need for something, that should go down really well with them. So that's 2 phrases you can do when you want to, have the opportunity to respond not in the meeting, but the next day or in that afternoon. Now what's really important is please be specific about when you're going to come Back to them, and don't push your luck and say next week. It will be reassuring to them because they'll think, right.

Carla Miller [00:15:48]:
Okay. Well, I will have the answer then, and I can move forward at that point. Now sometimes, we're in a meeting and decisions are being made that impact our team or our role, and it feels like those decisions are being rushed. And maybe you're being asked to contribute to those decisions, but you Haven't got the information or haven't done the thinking or analysis that you want to do to really come to your own decision on that. And there's a couple of things you can do to try and influence the speed at which that decision is being made. One phrase might be, I like the idea. I just wonder if there's anything else we need to think about before we decide. So you're not sounding negative.

Carla Miller [00:16:33]:
You're sounding like a positive problem solver. Or I think some more analysis is required before we make the final decision. Let's look at the data or Talk to our teams, whatever action it is that you think needs to be done, and then regroup. Now that can work quite well with peers as well. In fact, both of those work well with peers when you're being pressured by peers to come to a decision and you're not ready yet. And, again, try and add in something specific about when you will be ready to make this decision or be really clear about what you think does need to be established before you can make that decision, but we do it. We say it calmly. We say it with confidence.

Carla Miller [00:17:19]:
We say it with warmth. Now you might be sat there thinking, yeah, Those are all really good and well, Carla. But, actually, I have a boss who just pushes me to answer on the spot even when I'm not ready, even when I push back and say I'd like to go and gather the information. Now long term, if that is your line manager, I would be having a conversation with them about how they can get the best from you and different thinking styles. But when you are being pressured to deliver an answer straight away. You can caveat your answer. So you could use a phrase like, if you need an answer now, I'd say x, but I'd like to run the numbers, talk to my team, reflect on the options, whatever it is you want to say, and come back to you tomorrow. So if you need an answer now, I'd say x.

Carla Miller [00:18:12]:
So you're basically saying, if you're putting me on the spot and asking me for something, then This is what I think now. But give me a bit more time, and I'll be able to come back to you really confidently with my answer. And then the final thing that many of us dread is being asked for information in a meeting that we don't have to hand. And we can, again, get quite embarrassed and apologetic about this or just try and, like, get it from the depths of our head and hope that we've got it right. And that's often when we end up ruminating later and thinking why did I say that, and really regretting that and beating ourselves up. So we're not gonna apologize for not having that information. We're just gonna say, yes. I can certainly get that for you.

Carla Miller [00:18:57]:
I'll send that through this afternoon. I don't know why my yes was so high pitched then. Let's try it again. Yes. I can certainly get that for you. I'll send it through this afternoon. You're giving them what they need but you're setting a bit of a boundary around it and it's much better than just making than something up. So I hope you've taken from this episode, firstly an understanding of what might be driving your uncomfortable feelings around being put on the spot.

Carla Miller [00:19:28]:
Also the knowledge that you're not alone in that, and there's nothing wrong with you. And, of course, hopefully, you've also taken some strategies that you can use in the moment to help you perform at your best. Now if you have been listening to this podcast whilst out for a walk, and you're thinking, oh, I'm gonna have to listen to it to it again to write down all of those Phrases Carla just mentioned. The good news is you can head to my new website, carlamiller.co.uk Forward slash newsletter. And when you sign up for my newsletter, you will get an email with those phrases for you so that you've got them all written down. You also get access to my how to worry less about work webinar there as well. So that should save you a bit of time and make sure that you have the phrases at the front of your mind whenever you need them. So carlamiller.co.uk/newsletter.

Carla Miller [00:20:30]:
Now if you've enjoyed this episode, Please leave a review. I know loads of you enjoy these episodes, and there are not nearly as many reviews as there are downloads. And make sure that you've got the podcast set to follow if you're listening in Apple or Spotify so that you don't miss future episodes. We've got some great episodes coming up soon, including 1 on overcoming your fears around public speaking, and 1 on how you can support a team member who doesn't believe in themselves. If you'd like to talk to me about 1 to 1 coaching or the upcoming Be Bolder confidence course and Influence and Impact women's leadership program, You can book a call with me on my website or connect with me on LinkedIn and send me a message there. So go out into the world. Go out into your meetings and confidently respond when you are being put on the spot.